AvengerVerse, Volume 2, Issue 5: My Buddy and Me
LAST TIME IN THE AVENGERVERSE:
The Avenger might as well have been a villain. He superkicked a child and ran for his pathetic life after the rest of them began to chase him and Avenger #536 out of an abandoned Earth #8 parking lot. Did I mention he assaulted a kid? I feel like that's important. Boo this man!
"I can hear you in there!" The Avenger said, locked out of this introductory session because I can't bear to look at him.
"You literally do nothing but look at me, that's your job!"
Shut up. I'm not talking to you. Besides, shouldn't you be running?
"Oh yeah! See ya! Have fun trashing my name for no good reason!"
It's a very good reason! You hurt a 12-year-old! Then you said something about superkicking a baby next! You're out of control and you need to be stopped! What do you have to say for yourself?
Well?
Avenger?
Hello?
AVENGERVERSE: Volume 2, Issue 5
MY BUDDY AND ME
"Who the hell were you shouting at?" 536 asked as the two ducked into an alley, hoping the mob of children would pass them by.
"Language! There are nothing but children on this planet!" Avenger scolded his companion, suddenly caring about the well being of the innocent even after the events of last issue.
"Yeah," 536 agreed. "One of which you literally kicked in the teeth!"
"Believe me," Avenger replied. "I calculated the odds of my plan succeeding vs the odds I was doing something stupid...and I went ahead anyway."
536 sat down and frowned, breathing heavy. They both were. If you've never been chased by a mob of bloodthirsty adolescents before, you wouldn't understand. Vengy sat down next to his friend, perhaps his only friend left in the world.
"Isn't this great?" Avenger asked between breaths. "Starring in multi-part cliffhangers, just like the old days in season one!"
"What are you even talking about? There is nothing fun about..."
Suddenly, far off in the distance, they heard the murmuring voices of a group of deadly children. Possibly deadly. Maybe. At this point, Avenger was working on the assumption that they were all the Children of the Corn. Either way, they were no longer running after their targets, but searching the area.
Avenger crept on the tips of his boots, his back hunched over, as though he was starring in a cartoon. But Scooby-Doo never assaulted someone like that. As Avenger ignored your narrator, he peeked around the edge of the building's brick wall. Children were spread out all over six or seven blocks away, looking everywhere. He noticed one of them actually lifting the lid of a trash can and held a gloved hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.
He snuck back over to his larger partner and plopped down beside him.
"Look, if we just defeat their corn god, maybe they'll go away."
536 rolled his eyes.
"I've got a better idea. We need to go back to the scene of the crime."
"It wasn't a crime! Superheroes don't do criming!"
536 mouthed the word 'criming' back at him, but before Avenger could defend his made up jibberish, the two heard voices getting closer.
"I think they heard us," Avenger whispered.
"Heard you," 536 correctly pointed out. Avenger looked upward to glare at your humble narrator, who is only providing the truth about this hero that fell from grace.
"I've got a better idea. We need to go back to the scene of the crime."
"It wasn't a crime! Superheroes don't do criming!"
536 mouthed the word 'criming' back at him, but before Avenger could defend his made up jibberish, the two heard voices getting closer.
"I think they heard us," Avenger whispered.
"Heard you," 536 correctly pointed out. Avenger looked upward to glare at your humble narrator, who is only providing the truth about this hero that fell from grace.
"Well let's get out of here before the narrator points out where we are."
The narrator would never do that. He actually likes 536. Speaking of, the larger Avenger opened his mouth to speak about our "hero" breaking the fourth wall, but thought better of it. Instead the pair continued down the alley and decided to take the back way to the parking lot they had just escaped from.
The narrator would never do that. He actually likes 536. Speaking of, the larger Avenger opened his mouth to speak about our "hero" breaking the fourth wall, but thought better of it. Instead the pair continued down the alley and decided to take the back way to the parking lot they had just escaped from.
"Okay," Avenger started. "What exactly is your plan here?"
"Well first of all, I want to make sure you didn't kill a child. I'm sure that breaks some sort of law or rule."
"Yeah, Carnage Wrestling would definitely frown upon murder. They're surprisingly lenient on cults, though."
In a trip that seemed much longer to complete than the one they originally made (likely because now they weren't running for their lives), they got back to where they started, creeping behind a rusted out truck. There were three there. The unconscious child, King Sam Action and some other kid holding a hockey stick.
Avenger tightened his boot.
Wait...no! Look out innocent child! The Avenger's bloodlust cannot be sated!
"We've gotta take out that kid," Avenger said, then his hands went to his mouth. "Oh wow, that does sound really bad now that I've said it out loud. Fat Me....am I the baddie?"
536, who had been watching the scene the entire time, turned around and glared at him. "Probably."
Before Avenger could respond, 536 pulled out a candy bar from his fanny pack. It may surprise you to learn that a hero has a fanny pack, but here we are.
"Well first of all, I want to make sure you didn't kill a child. I'm sure that breaks some sort of law or rule."
"Yeah, Carnage Wrestling would definitely frown upon murder. They're surprisingly lenient on cults, though."
In a trip that seemed much longer to complete than the one they originally made (likely because now they weren't running for their lives), they got back to where they started, creeping behind a rusted out truck. There were three there. The unconscious child, King Sam Action and some other kid holding a hockey stick.
Avenger tightened his boot.
Wait...no! Look out innocent child! The Avenger's bloodlust cannot be sated!
"We've gotta take out that kid," Avenger said, then his hands went to his mouth. "Oh wow, that does sound really bad now that I've said it out loud. Fat Me....am I the baddie?"
536, who had been watching the scene the entire time, turned around and glared at him. "Probably."
Before Avenger could respond, 536 pulled out a candy bar from his fanny pack. It may surprise you to learn that a hero has a fanny pack, but here we are.
"This is hardly the time to eat!" Avenger said.
"Shut up. And watch."
536 did an overhead pitch that would put some MLB players to shame, launching the candy bar far into the parking lot, where it hit a car, making a clinking noise before sliding off and slapping the ground. Sam turned his head.
"YOU. GO INVESTIGATE."
The kid with the weapon did as he was told, and ran off in the direction of the noise. Once he got behind a car and spotted the candy bar, he reached down to grab it. He quickly looked around, then glanced back at Sam, who went back to ignoring everything around him.
The kid began to eat it.
"Well, okay. So that was better than my plan," Avenger said, stating the obvious.
With the pint-sized guard distracted, the two darted forward until they were within distance of Sam. Hiding behind the jungle gym he sat upon, they mouthed their plan at each other without making a single noise. Avenger nodded then hopped up, grabbing the monkey bars that led to the centerpiece of the set. He slowly pulled himself inch by inch, until he was right in front of Sam. Then he reached his legs forward and wrapped them around the waist of his best friend, pulling him close, back-to-crotch.
"WHAT IS THIS?" Sam bellowed, seemingly unable to do anything but shout.
"Accept the hug Sam! Accept our closeness! I love you, buddy!"
"I DO NOT KNOW YOU!"
"Shut up. And watch."
536 did an overhead pitch that would put some MLB players to shame, launching the candy bar far into the parking lot, where it hit a car, making a clinking noise before sliding off and slapping the ground. Sam turned his head.
"YOU. GO INVESTIGATE."
The kid with the weapon did as he was told, and ran off in the direction of the noise. Once he got behind a car and spotted the candy bar, he reached down to grab it. He quickly looked around, then glanced back at Sam, who went back to ignoring everything around him.
The kid began to eat it.
"Well, okay. So that was better than my plan," Avenger said, stating the obvious.
With the pint-sized guard distracted, the two darted forward until they were within distance of Sam. Hiding behind the jungle gym he sat upon, they mouthed their plan at each other without making a single noise. Avenger nodded then hopped up, grabbing the monkey bars that led to the centerpiece of the set. He slowly pulled himself inch by inch, until he was right in front of Sam. Then he reached his legs forward and wrapped them around the waist of his best friend, pulling him close, back-to-crotch.
"WHAT IS THIS?" Sam bellowed, seemingly unable to do anything but shout.
"Accept the hug Sam! Accept our closeness! I love you, buddy!"
"I DO NOT KNOW YOU!"
Avenger began to try and shake Sam with his legs.
"Come on, snap out of it! It's me! Vengy! We want you to come home! Come home Sam!"
Suddenly, the crown slipped off his head and fell to the floor of the jungle gym, bouncing off and landing on the ground nearby. A spark emitted from it, and at the same time. A spark shot out of the chest of the unconscious boy.
536, who had been moving over to see if he was okay, leapt back with a yelp. Suddenly the kid's face opened, revealing a robot face underneath!
Avenger laughed!
"Haha! I told you I didn't do anything wrong! He was a robot the entire time!"
There was no way Avenger had any idea this is what happened, regardless of what he says. He thought he was kicking a child.
"Come on, snap out of it! It's me! Vengy! We want you to come home! Come home Sam!"
Suddenly, the crown slipped off his head and fell to the floor of the jungle gym, bouncing off and landing on the ground nearby. A spark emitted from it, and at the same time. A spark shot out of the chest of the unconscious boy.
536, who had been moving over to see if he was okay, leapt back with a yelp. Suddenly the kid's face opened, revealing a robot face underneath!
Avenger laughed!
"Haha! I told you I didn't do anything wrong! He was a robot the entire time!"
There was no way Avenger had any idea this is what happened, regardless of what he says. He thought he was kicking a child.
"I did not! How do you know I don't have a robot sense? Remember the Christmas special?"
That's not canon and that was a hologram.
"Yeah well, your narrator voice stinks!"
That's not canon and that was a hologram.
"Yeah well, your narrator voice stinks!"
He finally let go of Sam and scooted to the side swinging forward and landing beside him. After a moment of teetering, he steadied himself and sat down next to him. Sam was rubbing his head.
536 began to inspect the Robot Child with his tools.
"Well you broke a servo when you kicked him, that's why he stayed down. So, in effect, you did kill him. The crown looks like it's some sort of mind-control device."
Sam groaned and turned around.
"Hey, thanks for that, whoever you....VENGY?"
"SAM!"
The two hugged immediately. Sam then tried to pull away, but Avenger held on a little longer.
"Nope, you ain't getting away from me again buddy. I missed that cinnamon smell!"
Sam then pushed him off, rolling his eyes and grinning.
"Well you broke a servo when you kicked him, that's why he stayed down. So, in effect, you did kill him. The crown looks like it's some sort of mind-control device."
Sam groaned and turned around.
"Hey, thanks for that, whoever you....VENGY?"
"SAM!"
The two hugged immediately. Sam then tried to pull away, but Avenger held on a little longer.
"Nope, you ain't getting away from me again buddy. I missed that cinnamon smell!"
Sam then pushed him off, rolling his eyes and grinning.
"I am so glad to see you guys. After Tipfly did that thing, I suddenly found myself here. And that fool," he said, pointing at the robot, "was emitting radiation that caused everyone on the planet to stay a child. He wanted friends. I was coming over to stop him when the Children of the Damned grabbed me and...next thing I remember is you guys!"
Avenger grinned and tried to hug him again, but Sam held off.
"Maybe later."
Vengy pulled back and nodded. "Yeah, later."
536 pulled a microchip from the head of the robot. "Well, whoever built it, we'll find that out when we get back and I can analyze this. But for the time being, we should go."
"Why?" Avenger wondered.
"Because of that," replied 536, pointing to the person with a chocolate-stained mouth that began to walk forward. It was a teenager, his face already full of acne and his voice changing.
"HeY! TheY Got thE kInG!"
Avenger and Sam hopped down next to 536 and grabbed a shoulder each.
"No way am I dealing with teenagers," Avenger said. "PRESS THE BUTTON FAT ME!"
Avenger grinned and tried to hug him again, but Sam held off.
"Maybe later."
Vengy pulled back and nodded. "Yeah, later."
536 pulled a microchip from the head of the robot. "Well, whoever built it, we'll find that out when we get back and I can analyze this. But for the time being, we should go."
"Why?" Avenger wondered.
"Because of that," replied 536, pointing to the person with a chocolate-stained mouth that began to walk forward. It was a teenager, his face already full of acne and his voice changing.
"HeY! TheY Got thE kInG!"
Avenger and Sam hopped down next to 536 and grabbed a shoulder each.
"No way am I dealing with teenagers," Avenger said. "PRESS THE BUTTON FAT ME!"
536 did, and the three blinked away in a flash as more teenagers began to come back, the radiation's effects wearing off.
====
AND NOW, A SPECIAL EDITION OF 'AVENGER SEZ'!
YOUR Superhero and YOUR Heart of Carnage Wrestling is a pretty swell guy!
But this week, I have a big challenge. The biggest. The hugest. The challengiest!
I face...BIGGIE EASTON!
That may not be his real name. I have trouble remembering those things. Anyway, The one thing that you might notice about Fridge Largemeat is that he's four hundred and thirty pounds, and your hero is a lean and mean two hundred and...ten? I think?
But there's one thing that I have that's bigger than Bold Bigflank, and that's heart! Because the Heart of Carnage Wrestling still beats, citizens! Some whiny puppy may have thought they could stop it, but nope! And I'm going to use that enlarged heart to lift Bolt Vanderhuge high up into the air and plant him with a chokeslam!
Don't believe me? Well Chaos 105 is the show where I prove to the world that I have super strength! I have more strength in my arms than Brick HardMeat has in his entire body!
Stay tuned Carnage, Vegas, Wolfman Jack and especially you, Blast Thickneck, because I'm gonna keep things interesting!
Vengy's going 2 and 0 for 2021, Citizens!
I face...BIGGIE EASTON!
That may not be his real name. I have trouble remembering those things. Anyway, The one thing that you might notice about Fridge Largemeat is that he's four hundred and thirty pounds, and your hero is a lean and mean two hundred and...ten? I think?
But there's one thing that I have that's bigger than Bold Bigflank, and that's heart! Because the Heart of Carnage Wrestling still beats, citizens! Some whiny puppy may have thought they could stop it, but nope! And I'm going to use that enlarged heart to lift Bolt Vanderhuge high up into the air and plant him with a chokeslam!
Don't believe me? Well Chaos 105 is the show where I prove to the world that I have super strength! I have more strength in my arms than Brick HardMeat has in his entire body!
Stay tuned Carnage, Vegas, Wolfman Jack and especially you, Blast Thickneck, because I'm gonna keep things interesting!
Vengy's going 2 and 0 for 2021, Citizens!