AvengerVerse, Volume 2, Issue 6: Get Mean
LAST TIME IN THE AVENGERVERSE:
The Avenger and his Earth #536 counterpart managed to finally save Sam Action! Yes, readers, that story was wrapped up halfway through the season, or so you'd think. There are still two Avengers left to find! Also let's not forget, Avenger kicked a robot in the face thinking it was a child.
"I did not!" The Avenger exclaimed. He did, you can read about it in issue #4. "I knew it was a robot the whole time and you can't prove otherwise!"
Shame on you.
"The bad thing happened, nobody believes my side...can we just move on?"
Fine. Let's see who you kick in this week's issue!
"Jerk."
Shame on you.
"The bad thing happened, nobody believes my side...can we just move on?"
Fine. Let's see who you kick in this week's issue!
"Jerk."
AVENGERVERSE: Volume 2, Issue 6
GET MEAN
"So when does Sam get to join us in our adventuring?"
The Avenger sat on a table, somewhere backstage in the Carnage Arena, talking on the phone to 536. He had just completed a match with Biggie Easton and was watching the rest of the show on his phone, on mute, while talking to his friends.
People didn't really talk to the Avenger much in Carnage. Maybe they found him off-putting. Maybe they thought he was just crazy. But all he ever wanted was to help, and it seemed in a place like Carnage, violence and hatred was all people understood.
"You got that right," Avenger muttered, forgetting no one else could hear the narrator.
536 finally replied. "Got what right? Anyway, Sam's still slipping in and out of consciousness after the whole mind control thing. Gonna be a while til we get him back fully."
The Avenger sat on a table, somewhere backstage in the Carnage Arena, talking on the phone to 536. He had just completed a match with Biggie Easton and was watching the rest of the show on his phone, on mute, while talking to his friends.
People didn't really talk to the Avenger much in Carnage. Maybe they found him off-putting. Maybe they thought he was just crazy. But all he ever wanted was to help, and it seemed in a place like Carnage, violence and hatred was all people understood.
"You got that right," Avenger muttered, forgetting no one else could hear the narrator.
536 finally replied. "Got what right? Anyway, Sam's still slipping in and out of consciousness after the whole mind control thing. Gonna be a while til we get him back fully."
"So what do I do until then? I gotta fight a cult next show and Sam's the only one that knows how to be tough!"
"Hey I could..." 536 started, before Vengy interrupted.
"The only one!"
Avenger couldn't see, but 536 was rolling his eyes on the other end of the line. On the screen, we could see that Avenger wasn't watching the end of the show, but the beginning. He was scouting. I bet the dear readers didn't know Avenger did that, did you?
"I'm sure my readers have every faith in me!"
"Again, what?"
"Nothing, Fat Me. I'll call later. Maybe I can find somebody around here to teach me how to be tough."
He ended the phone call and watched as Zack Tyler broke one of the Masked Debaters' hands. He couldn't really tell them apart. Luchadors were just superhero rip-offs, after all. The Avenger would sometimes wonder why they would dress up like superheroes if they had no superpowers.
Vengy ignored the narrator and scratched his chin.
"Okay, so...why break the dude's hand? Because evil? I don't get it."
Before anyone could answer his question, the air began to sizzle. Suddenly there was a flash of light and a popping sound, and a familiar-looking face jumped through the portal, nearly landing on his face. He got to his feet and dusted himself off, looking around the Carnage Arena with a malicious look on his face.
"Hey I could..." 536 started, before Vengy interrupted.
"The only one!"
Avenger couldn't see, but 536 was rolling his eyes on the other end of the line. On the screen, we could see that Avenger wasn't watching the end of the show, but the beginning. He was scouting. I bet the dear readers didn't know Avenger did that, did you?
"I'm sure my readers have every faith in me!"
"Again, what?"
"Nothing, Fat Me. I'll call later. Maybe I can find somebody around here to teach me how to be tough."
He ended the phone call and watched as Zack Tyler broke one of the Masked Debaters' hands. He couldn't really tell them apart. Luchadors were just superhero rip-offs, after all. The Avenger would sometimes wonder why they would dress up like superheroes if they had no superpowers.
Vengy ignored the narrator and scratched his chin.
"Okay, so...why break the dude's hand? Because evil? I don't get it."
Before anyone could answer his question, the air began to sizzle. Suddenly there was a flash of light and a popping sound, and a familiar-looking face jumped through the portal, nearly landing on his face. He got to his feet and dusted himself off, looking around the Carnage Arena with a malicious look on his face.
His suit was designed the same way as Avengers, but the colors were reversed. And instead of the Avenger's logo...there was a picture of a hand. A very suspicious picture of a hand. The masked fighter stepped forward to reveal a face just like our hero's only with a goatee.
Yes folks...it was an Evil Avenger.
"Alright! I made it! The exact opposite of my Earth! Time to do more evil stuff for The Right Hand! I'm about to f@%& some s#@% up!"
The Evil Avenger looked around, confused. Our Avenger simply stared in shock, but he hadn't been seen yet. Whether he was in shock from another Avenger or simply the swear words is anybody's guess. Evil Avenger began to stomp his feet, throwing a tantrum.
"Alright! I made it! The exact opposite of my Earth! Time to do more evil stuff for The Right Hand! I'm about to f@%& some s#@% up!"
The Evil Avenger looked around, confused. Our Avenger simply stared in shock, but he hadn't been seen yet. Whether he was in shock from another Avenger or simply the swear words is anybody's guess. Evil Avenger began to stomp his feet, throwing a tantrum.
"Why the f@%& are my f@%&ing words being f@%&ing censored?!"
The Avenger leaped forward off the table, landing in front of the evil one. The two stood across from each other, equal in height, weight, and almost appearance. The evil one looked at his counterpart and just laughed.
"What the f@%& are you suppose to be?" he asked, before getting annoyed that he couldn't swear again. Luckily, he didn't seem to be aware of your narrator. "Oh no," he said, correcting me. He then whispered, so only I could hear him. "I know you're there. And I'm gonna kill you first."
Our Avenger tilted his head and the evil Avenger did the same. Vengy held up a hand, Evil Vengy did the same. Our Avenger lifted a foot, the evil one did the same.
Avenger began to do the running man dance, and the evil one slapped him across the face.
"What the f@%& is wrong with you?"
"Watch your language, opposite me! This is a family comic book!"
In the distance, Kyra Johnson and Ken Davison came out of the locker room and began to walk, hand in hand, down the hallway. Suddenly the two stopped and stared as they saw two Avengers staring each other down with differently colored costumes. Kyra opened her mouth to speak but couldn't find the words. Davison shook his head, and the two turned right back around and walked back where they came.
"Yeah you better *#%##%@ run!"
"Is that even a word?"
"In my universe, we invented new swears."
"That's...the most evil thing I can imagine! Why would anyone give you a Multiversal Remote?"
Evil Avenger laughed and stroked his Fu Manchu goatee. "The Right Hand are an extremely competent group, feared through all of the wrestling community. Not a single person has ever made a joke about them!"
The Avenger leaped forward off the table, landing in front of the evil one. The two stood across from each other, equal in height, weight, and almost appearance. The evil one looked at his counterpart and just laughed.
"What the f@%& are you suppose to be?" he asked, before getting annoyed that he couldn't swear again. Luckily, he didn't seem to be aware of your narrator. "Oh no," he said, correcting me. He then whispered, so only I could hear him. "I know you're there. And I'm gonna kill you first."
Our Avenger tilted his head and the evil Avenger did the same. Vengy held up a hand, Evil Vengy did the same. Our Avenger lifted a foot, the evil one did the same.
Avenger began to do the running man dance, and the evil one slapped him across the face.
"What the f@%& is wrong with you?"
"Watch your language, opposite me! This is a family comic book!"
In the distance, Kyra Johnson and Ken Davison came out of the locker room and began to walk, hand in hand, down the hallway. Suddenly the two stopped and stared as they saw two Avengers staring each other down with differently colored costumes. Kyra opened her mouth to speak but couldn't find the words. Davison shook his head, and the two turned right back around and walked back where they came.
"Yeah you better *#%##%@ run!"
"Is that even a word?"
"In my universe, we invented new swears."
"That's...the most evil thing I can imagine! Why would anyone give you a Multiversal Remote?"
Evil Avenger laughed and stroked his Fu Manchu goatee. "The Right Hand are an extremely competent group, feared through all of the wrestling community. Not a single person has ever made a joke about them!"
Avenger rolled his eyes. Not even he took their 616 counterpart seriously, which said a whole lot.
"Evil should not have a device like that, fellow Avenger! If you are really an Avenger, you'll hand it over right now!"
"F#%# off!" The Evil Avenger shouted. Avenger held a hand to his chest and looked offended.
"The language, sir!"
"Yeah, what about it?" Evil Avenger replied, taunting his better half. "Let the kids be traumatized. I'll go Supervillain Kick every last one of them!" Hopefully having heard this, our hero realized he was in the wrong about what he did two issues ago.
"It. was. a. ROBOT!" Avenger shouted, still in denial. "And besides, omniscient voice in my head, this is hardly the time!"
The narrator agreed and went back to describing the events as they happened, as you read them. Isn't meta-fiction fun?
Evil Avenger scowled. "Our leader will not be pleased there is such a weak, goody two-shoes f%#%face version of me here."
Avenger reached out for the device to stop Evil Avenger from getting away, but since the evil one could hear your narrator as well, he knew the move was coming and stepped aside to avoid it. He laughed again, as our hero huffed and straightened his cape.
"Face it, 'Vengy', you cannot defeat me! I am EVIL. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Our Avenger again rolled his eyes.
"Man, you're stupid. I guess that's why you're my opposite!" he said, without a trace of irony in his voice. "And who is your leader, anyway? I bet he has some dumb Biblical name like Mephistopheles or Beelzebub or something!"
"Why would such a great and evil leader name himself those f$%*%g names? Either way it doesn't matter, because once I get back, you will tremble before Bob Evil and The Right Hand!"
With that, the Evil Avenger pressed buttons on his own device and leapt backwards. Our Avenger tried to catch him, but the evil one outmaneuvered him again, due to his ability to 'see'. A portal opened and he stepped through, laughing like a lunatic the entire time.
Avenger stood there, completely dumbfounded.
"Bob Evil?"
He scratched his head, then suddenly had a moment of clarity.
"I KNEW THAT WAS HIS REAL NAME!"
He then grabbed his cell phone and ran off, hoping to meet 536 and Sam Action back at the motel. He had a lot that he needed to tell them.
Another card.
====
AND NOW, A SPECIAL EDITION OF 'AVENGER SEZ'!
The Avenger stood in front of the locker room door, just before his match with Zack Tyler at Chaos 106, looking awkwardly in front of him. In his hands, he held cue cards. This time, his message was being filmed for all of the world to see.
Well Citizens, this is my very first filmed promo for Carnage Wrestling!
What's the difference between this and my normal words of wisdom? I dunno. There's a camera and stuff, so, you know, that!
Look, C$J said I had to do these or I'd get fired, and I'm not ready to tell him he's funding the comics, okay? I got a lot going on!
Vengy shuffled the cards in his hands, and then his feet. He didn't seem very comfortable being in front of a camera like this. He opened his mouth to make a comment to the narrator, then remembered no one watching the video would hear me and decided not to bother.
Anyway, Citizens, your humble superhero is currently 2-0 for 2021! I'd say that's a pretty big achievement, especially since I beat Biggie Easton last time! I told you that I would show my super-strength, and I did! A true hero never lies!
But I do have another tough challenge! I'm fighting a cult! Well, not an entire cult, and nobody really takes them seriously, but he broke somebody's hand! And that's wrong! Zack Tyler and The Left Hand are wrong! Evil is wrong! But of course, you're all good Citizens, you know that!
But I knew I had to get mean.
The Avenger held the cards up to the camera, as if they somehow explained everything.
So I went to Trent Steel. He's this grumpy guy that won the World title once. He's fighting other grumpy guy for the honor of being the grumpiest of the grumps, so he wasn't that happy when I interrupted his pre-match smoke.
But once he realized it was your friendly neighborhood crimefighter, he was happy to oblige! I needed to get mean, and he gave me some mean things to say! Would you like to hear them?
The camera nodded up and down, revealing that someone was controlling it.
I knew you would! Let's see what we got here.
Avenger flipped through the cards, growing more concerned with each line he read. He tossed several aside, with a different reason for each.
Too many swears, definitely not PG, I don't even think a hippo could fit up there...okay, here we go!
Finally finding a card that didn't seem offensive, he decided to read from it.
What's the difference between this and my normal words of wisdom? I dunno. There's a camera and stuff, so, you know, that!
Look, C$J said I had to do these or I'd get fired, and I'm not ready to tell him he's funding the comics, okay? I got a lot going on!
Vengy shuffled the cards in his hands, and then his feet. He didn't seem very comfortable being in front of a camera like this. He opened his mouth to make a comment to the narrator, then remembered no one watching the video would hear me and decided not to bother.
Anyway, Citizens, your humble superhero is currently 2-0 for 2021! I'd say that's a pretty big achievement, especially since I beat Biggie Easton last time! I told you that I would show my super-strength, and I did! A true hero never lies!
But I do have another tough challenge! I'm fighting a cult! Well, not an entire cult, and nobody really takes them seriously, but he broke somebody's hand! And that's wrong! Zack Tyler and The Left Hand are wrong! Evil is wrong! But of course, you're all good Citizens, you know that!
But I knew I had to get mean.
The Avenger held the cards up to the camera, as if they somehow explained everything.
So I went to Trent Steel. He's this grumpy guy that won the World title once. He's fighting other grumpy guy for the honor of being the grumpiest of the grumps, so he wasn't that happy when I interrupted his pre-match smoke.
But once he realized it was your friendly neighborhood crimefighter, he was happy to oblige! I needed to get mean, and he gave me some mean things to say! Would you like to hear them?
The camera nodded up and down, revealing that someone was controlling it.
I knew you would! Let's see what we got here.
Avenger flipped through the cards, growing more concerned with each line he read. He tossed several aside, with a different reason for each.
Too many swears, definitely not PG, I don't even think a hippo could fit up there...okay, here we go!
Finally finding a card that didn't seem offensive, he decided to read from it.
You know what Zack Tyler, or should I say, Jimmy Jones? Because "Look Jimmy Jones...I don't really care for your diet caffeine free no value version of Kool-Aid."
Okay, I don't really know what any of that means. Kool-Aid is delicious is any form. Um. Let me try again.
Okay, I don't really know what any of that means. Kool-Aid is delicious is any form. Um. Let me try again.
"You know the difference between you and I. I at least wear my crazy on my sleeve. Because I wear a costume. You? You try to act cool. You try to be cool. You fail miserably. Take it from someone who will never be cool. Just stop."
Suddenly, the Avenger looked very sad. His shoulders slumped for a moment.
Wait, Trent Steel doesn't think I'm cool? Aw man...
Realizing he was being filmed, he straightened back up and made a dramatic hero pose.
I mean of course he doesn't! He's not a nice man! But one day, he'll learn #JUSTICE is the coolest thing there is!
Suddenly, the Avenger looked very sad. His shoulders slumped for a moment.
Wait, Trent Steel doesn't think I'm cool? Aw man...
Realizing he was being filmed, he straightened back up and made a dramatic hero pose.
I mean of course he doesn't! He's not a nice man! But one day, he'll learn #JUSTICE is the coolest thing there is!
He flipped to another card.
"So which branch of Scientology are you? Astrology or do you specialize in talking out of Uranus?"
Another card.
"So are you Orthodox Left Hand? Where you do everything with your left hand or are you the sorta New Age 'let's have rock and roll at the service for the kids' Left Hand where it's really only about fitting one particular finger up your butt?"
He looked up and began talking off-camera to the person operating it.
I...I don't get these. Are they like, religion jokes?
The camera went up and down.
Hoo boy. Nope. Not doing religion.
He looked up and began talking off-camera to the person operating it.
I...I don't get these. Are they like, religion jokes?
The camera went up and down.
Hoo boy. Nope. Not doing religion.
He found another card.
"So you become a member of a cult and the only thing you guys could think of calling yourself is "The Left Hand"?
Oh I like this! This is good.
"I mean Hydra was obviously taken.' Heck...
He leaned forward to whisper to the camera.
It doesn't say heck, Citizens. But Citizen Steel doesn't know any better! I'll just make them PG for him. I'm sure he'll thank me later!
"You guys are ripping off 'The Hand' except that you aren't a HMM HMM ninja. You aren't even a pirate! You aren't even anything more than that neckbeard whiny NOT NICE PERSON who somehow got a job at Hot Topic cause his sister is HOLDING HANDS WITH the manager."
Hey, this works out much better! Take that, minion of Bob Evil!
He tossed that card aside and, confidence renewed, read another.
Oh I like this! This is good.
"I mean Hydra was obviously taken.' Heck...
He leaned forward to whisper to the camera.
It doesn't say heck, Citizens. But Citizen Steel doesn't know any better! I'll just make them PG for him. I'm sure he'll thank me later!
"You guys are ripping off 'The Hand' except that you aren't a HMM HMM ninja. You aren't even a pirate! You aren't even anything more than that neckbeard whiny NOT NICE PERSON who somehow got a job at Hot Topic cause his sister is HOLDING HANDS WITH the manager."
Hey, this works out much better! Take that, minion of Bob Evil!
He tossed that card aside and, confidence renewed, read another.
"I'm serious here though why the Left Hand? Because it doesn't know what the right hand is doing? Because I know what the right hand is doing to you. Particularly yours...."
Okay I'm actually just gonna stop there because he says things that I cannot repeat. Let's do one last one, shall we?
Okay I'm actually just gonna stop there because he says things that I cannot repeat. Let's do one last one, shall we?
"Look man I've fought real supervillains. I've fought vampires. I SAVED CHRISTMAS! Why should I be afraid of a guy who is a follower and not an individual! Do you think I wear this outfit to be part of some kind of team? Look at this! No one with any self respect would wear this outfit and I'm still cooler than you!"
Okay...didn't appreciate the shot at my costume but...you get the idea!
Frustrated, he tossed the cards behind him.
Zack Tyler, you are about as bad at being a bad guy as Citizen Steel is at being family-friendly! Big deal, you broke a guy's hand! I defeated Krampus! And the multiverse's worst wrestler! And probably other evil people, I forget!
But nobody takes The Left Hand seriously here, and that should make you feel bad. Bad enough to get your butts out of Carnage and back to the Frank Miller comics you wish crawled out of.
I take you seriously. I took you seriously enough to almost say swears! And I take you seriously enough to deliver some big, fat, hairy JUSTICE all over your face!
But I can't get mean. It's not who I am. I am a superhero, and like that Jackal guy I beat, I'm gonna prove to you that it's good deeds that are best, not dudes dressing like Dave Grohl in that Tenacious D movie!
I don't know how to get mean so...I think I'm just gonna dance!
With that, Avenger took a stance. Almost as if he was about to leap. Instead...
Instead, oh dear God...
He started to do the hokey pokey.
You put your Left Hand in, I take the Left Hand out. You put the Left Hand in and I superkick its face! You do the Vengy-Pokey and you make the jerks tap out...that's what JUSTICE is all about!
He stood up straight, offered a thumbs up to the camera and gave a big goofy grin. The camera dropped down as someone could be heard walking away, clearly fed up with the insanity.
What? I thought that was good!
Okay...didn't appreciate the shot at my costume but...you get the idea!
Frustrated, he tossed the cards behind him.
Zack Tyler, you are about as bad at being a bad guy as Citizen Steel is at being family-friendly! Big deal, you broke a guy's hand! I defeated Krampus! And the multiverse's worst wrestler! And probably other evil people, I forget!
But nobody takes The Left Hand seriously here, and that should make you feel bad. Bad enough to get your butts out of Carnage and back to the Frank Miller comics you wish crawled out of.
I take you seriously. I took you seriously enough to almost say swears! And I take you seriously enough to deliver some big, fat, hairy JUSTICE all over your face!
But I can't get mean. It's not who I am. I am a superhero, and like that Jackal guy I beat, I'm gonna prove to you that it's good deeds that are best, not dudes dressing like Dave Grohl in that Tenacious D movie!
I don't know how to get mean so...I think I'm just gonna dance!
With that, Avenger took a stance. Almost as if he was about to leap. Instead...
Instead, oh dear God...
He started to do the hokey pokey.
You put your Left Hand in, I take the Left Hand out. You put the Left Hand in and I superkick its face! You do the Vengy-Pokey and you make the jerks tap out...that's what JUSTICE is all about!
He stood up straight, offered a thumbs up to the camera and gave a big goofy grin. The camera dropped down as someone could be heard walking away, clearly fed up with the insanity.
What? I thought that was good!