AVENGERVERSE: Volume 2, Issue 7
MY LITIGATION RISK
Joyful music can be heard from somewhere, as we see our hero, the Avenger, strolling up to the parking lot of one of the many Motel 6s in Baltimore. They’ll leave the light on for you, because if they don’t, you’ll get robbed by someone in the dark. This one just happens to be located a mile from the Carnage Arena. Just far enough that Avenger and his pals can enjoy some privacy, but not too far that he can’t make trips on foot (or in the air) to arrive whenever he wants.
He walks up to the door and gently raps on it, unusually jolly given what happened in the last issue.
Dun DunDun Dun
Avenger begins to hum a familiar song to himself, not remembering where he heard it, before shaking his head. He slapped his forehead, still not realizing his hair currently looked like it had a lot of hair gel applied to it.
“Wait a second,” he realized. “I came over here to tell them something important!”
He then glared upward at the sky.
“Curse you narrator! You and your unhealthy TV obsession!”
As he shouted at the unseen omniscient being, the door opened and the Avenger from Earth #536 answered, giving him a concerned, confused look.
“Vengy, you mind being a little quiet? We’re trying to keep our presence here a secret, remember?”
Avenger’s shoulders slumped and he sighed, before nodding in agreement.
“I’m sorry,” our hero said quietly. 536 put a hand on his shoulder and smiled.
“Hey, it’s okay. You want to say hi to Sam?”
Avenger’s eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas, and he nearly shoved his larger counterpart aside in order to get inside the room. It looked as if Avenger might run and jump onto Sam to give him a hug. As Sam Action braced himself for impact, the Avenger was suddenly stopped in mid-leap, choked by his own cape before falling straight down on his backside.
He looked behind him and 536 stood there, holding the end of the cape and trying very hard not to laugh.
“Pratfalls, really?” Avenger muttered to himself. He then darted up into a dramatic superhero pose, which he often did when he wanted to quickly deflect humiliation. A glare came next, as he stared down 536, who shrugged.
“He’s not healthy enough yet for your antics.”
Avenger placed a hand on his chest and seemed offended. “My...ANTICS? You have insulted me, sir!”
He heard a small laugh behind him and realized Sam really was awake. Sam coughed a little and gave a tired smile.
“Alright, enough of that,” Sam said, his voice barely rising above a whisper. “Give me a hug, man.”
While Avenger was perhaps too excited before, he still knew enough to go in for the hug of his best friend gently, just happy that he’s alive and back with them. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply.
“You smell like peppermint.”
Sam pulls back, an eyebrow raised.
“Huh?”
Avenger pulls back as well, rubbing the back of his head and nervously laughing.
“Oh, nothing,” he lied, before quickly changing the subject. He decided he would call out the narrator for pointing out his obvious lies later. “OH! Hey guys, I got some news to tell you!”
536 pulled a chair up and sat next to the pair, while Avenger remained crouched. Sam, still recovering from mind control, decided he should keep laying down. Avenger took a moment to collect his thoughts and then told the story.
“So I was backstage at Chaos 105, just minding my own business, doin’ research on The Left Hand, when a portal opened and another me came out!”
“Another Avenger made a Multiversal remote?” 536 asked, shocked. “I guess it makes sense I wouldn’t be the only one…”
Our hero shook his head.
“You don’t understand, this guy was evil! He had an evil goatee and said a bunch of swears!”
536 leaned his head over to look at Sam, who shrugged. He tilted back and stared at Avenger for a moment, trying to find the right words about the situation.
“Okay, first of all, did you say Chaos 105?” he asked.
“Yes…” Avenger replied tentatively.
“That was three weeks ago!” 536 shouted. “Why would you wait and tell us now?”
The Avenger thought for a moment, trying to remember where he was. As the memory came back to him, he heard a whooshing sound in his mind as he tilted his head to the side.
====
THREE WEEKS AGO
“I KNEW THAT WAS HIS REAL NAME!”
Avenger grabbed his cell phone and ran off, hoping to meet 536 and Sam Action at the motel. He had a lot that he needed to tell them. He darted past the locker rooms, ignoring the reactions of everyone from Trent Steel to Boy, before sliding in place at the entrance of the parking lot. Vengy then opened the door and without looking where he was going, caught his foot on something rubbery.
Avenger glanced down and realized all too late that he had tripped into a ball pit.
A time-traveling ball pit.
“WHO PUT THIS HE…” he shouted, his voice getting cut off as he sank beneath the plastic balls.
THREE WEEKS LATER
The time-traveling ball pit, an invention of a certain Doctor Winn, now sat in the boiler room of the Carnage Arena, having changed positions again. A hand shot out of it, grasping the side, as Avenger pulled himself out of the pit and fell off to the side. He was soaked, even though there was no water in the ball pit.
As Avenger gasped for air, he managed to get out a few words.
“I...never...knew...the witch trials...also...happened...in Baltimore.”
He pushed himself up to his knees and looked around, realizing he wasn’t where he was when he left. He glanced around and saw Doctor Winn, casually sitting on a crate.
Winn glared at him, remembering him from their last encounter. “I told you to stay away from that. FACK!”
Avenger shouted back at him, scratching his new beard.
“You’re the one that keeps randomly moving it!”
====
Avenger shook his head and shuddered at the memory.
“Nobody on our current roster is going to understand that cameo...”
536 and Sam stared back at him, bewildered.
“Man, I missed his randomness," Sam said with a grin.
Avenger smiled back at Sam, but 536 wasn’t so happy, throwing up his hands in frustration.
“Well, we still can’t go leave to stop him. Sam isn’t any better and someone’s got to stick around to make sure he heals properly.”
Avenger got to his feet and shouted right back at him, standing up for himself. It made sense, there were bigger problems to worry about and he always puts others first.
“But the evil me could be destroying universes!” Vengy argued.
“Then why didn’t you tell us sooner?”
Before Avenger could remind him that a time-traveling ball pit exists, Sam raised his hand and interrupted. Because he still couldn’t raise his voice, the other two got quiet and let him speak.
“Big guy, let Avenger go do this by himself. He’s got this.”
536 considered this for a moment, then nodded and sighed.
“Okay, okay. But only recon, Vengy. You cannot interfere. We’ll get the device another time.”
“What?” Avenger protested. “Did you not hear Sam? I got this! Or are you forgetting that I’m a superhero too?”
He glanced at 536, who said nothing. He looked back at Sam, who wanted to say something but couldn’t come up with the words. Avenger lowered his head and simply chuckled to himself, even though he found nothing funny. The hero looked back up at his friends, his only friends in the world, and looked sad more than anything else.
“You know, I expected this from everyone else in Carnage, but not you guys. You don’t respect me either, do you?”
“Vengy…” 536 started, before our hero interrupted him.
“No. I try really hard to do the right thing and even though everyone there laughs at me, I thought at least my friends would know that I’m not a screw-up. But I guess I was wrong.”
Avenger reached behind him and grabbed the multiversal remote. He then stormed past 536, making sure to avoid all contact, and opened up the motel room door, before slipping out and letting it slam behind him.
The larger Avenger turned back to Sam, who had a confused look on his face.
“What’s with him?”
536 shook his head.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “He’s been really frustrated lately with how people see him. I was just going to tell him that we didn’t know how many other bad guys there were. I didn’t want him to get hurt.”
Sam managed to push himself up on the bed, leaning on his arm for support.
“Don’t worry,” he assured his friend. “He’ll be back.”
====
After some walking and some soul-searching, Avenger found himself back at the Carnage Arena. However, since he forgot to bring his identification with him (apparently the fact he was the only one that looked like the Avenger didn’t help), security wouldn’t let him inside. So instead he was all the way up on the roof of the building, sitting on the side with his feet dangling over the edge.
Don’t worry, dear reader, he’s not that sad. But he is sad. No one would be able to tell, and whoever is currently filming him for his contractually-mandated promo has done a good job of hiding it, but Avenger has been crying.
It was nighttime now, and the moon was not out tonight. Instead, it was nearly pitch black outside of the street lights, which didn’t carry up this high. Avenger was only illuminated by a faint glow, which hid his tear-soaked face and his bloodshot eyes.
It also hid his face entirely, allowing him to remove his mask and his cape, which sat in his lap.
He continued to stare at them as he spoke.
“I guess it’s time now for the tone to shift to serious,” he said. “I don’t like it any more than you do but that’s the format of the stupid show the narrator likes. Silly opening, serious drama in the middle, hopeful ending, credits.”
He placed his superhero paraphernalia behind him, being careful not to drop it. He leaned back and looked up at the night sky, wondering if he should just fly away from Baltimore and everyone who doubts him.
“You know, you guys may not know this, but superheroes deal with things too,” he continued. “I know the joke around here is ‘Avenger is crazy’, but the truth is, your hero is depressed. Or maybe just really, really sad. I don’t know.”
Avenger’s legs continued to kick, and it was apparent that this was a nervous tic instead of any kind of relaxation technique.
“You don’t think so? I’ve seen some things. Multiversal travel does a number on you. But more than that, I’ve got a terrible opinion of myself. I’ve been in Carnage for years and haven’t been able to do much of anything. I’ve lost so much that people just expect it of me. 'There goes Avenger, the weird jobber. He thinks he’s a superhero, isn’t that wild?' So yeah, every time I come here and fail, I hate myself just a little bit more. Some superhero, right?”
Avenger sniffed and wiped away at his face with a gloved hand.
“You know, don’t tell anyone, Citizens, but before I became a superhero, I was actually born in Baltimore. That’s why I don’t go anywhere else. This city has everything I need. It’s home. Carnage is home.I don’t just call myself the heart of Carnage Wrestling because I thought it sounded neat. I mean, it does sound neat, but I genuinely love this place.
I don’t care if I’m never World Champion. Honestly, I don’t even want a shot at it. What I want, what I’ve wanted since I got here, was the Baltimore Championship. It represents the city and the company I love more than anything. The Baltimore title, for me, is better than the World title. I don't care about the likes of Silvio Leon. Good guy, but I don't want to challenge him. I don't belong in the Ultraviolent division. Why would a superhero ever use a weapon or make somebody bleed? I'm Golden Age, not Dark Age.”
He sighed, knowing that his comments would likely rub someone in the Ultraviolent division the wrong way, even if he didn’t have a problem with any of them.
“All I want is to be Baltimore Champion,” he repeated. “This isn't the first chance I've had at it and I lose every time.”
Another sigh.
“Is that what you want to hear? I lose sometimes. I have superpowers, but I don't use them in the ring because that wouldn't be fair. I turn them off. So I'm on level footing and sometimes I lose. Most of the time I lose. I almost always lose.
And nobody takes me seriously. Nobody wants the guy in the cape around, or if they do, it's just to laugh at him. You think Catalina Cortes is inviting me onto her Twitch streams? You think the likes of Kyra Johnson or Ken Davison would care if the Avenger stopped showing up for work? I'm just the weird goofy guy who reads too many comic books, apparently. The crazy guy who thinks he can fly.”
Before he could continue, he heard the door to the roof rattle. He leapt to his feet and threw his mask back on, before quickly fastening his cape around his neck as well. The light over the door illuminated the entire rooftop, and whoever would see Avenger standing on the edge of the roof, in a heroic pose, his cape flapping in the wind.
As it turns out, that person was Chaos champion Sebastian Hawke.
“Hello?” Sebastian called out, before noticing it was the Avenger he heard talking on the roof.
“Oh good, the hopeful ending has arrived!” Avenger said quietly, but excitedly. “GREETINGS CITIZEN HAWKE!”
Realizing he was talking to The Avenger at night, alone on a roof, Sebastian approached slowly, before striking his own heroic pose. “Everything ok?”
Avenger stopped his pose and looked down at the new champion, before shrugging his shoulders.
“Um, I guess so.” he said, blatantly lying. Someone should tell him that superheroes don’t do that. “Why would it be?”
Sebastian stopped his pose and shrugged his shoulders. “Nighttime rooftop conversations, in my experience, are usually one of two things. Someone is either super depressed and wants to test gravity or they’re seeking some wisdom of some sort. Just want to make sure it’s not the first one.”
Avenger hopped down off the edge of the roof and nodded.
“You’re wise beyond your years, Citizen Hawke. I knew there was a reason I picked you to help me save Christmas!”
The Chaos Champion smiled. “I really hope that wasn’t a dream… So why ARE we up here tonight?”
Avenger then decided to go ahead and let Sebastian in a little bit. After all, his own friends doubted him, so why not try to make a new one? So he relaxed a little and sat back down, this time facing the champion.
“Well,” he said. “I was just out here trying to hype up my match with your...buddy? Are you guys still friends? Anyway, Dom. And was just thinking about how no one thinks I can do it. I don’t know...maybe they’re right.”
Sebastian nodded, grunting ever so slightly without responding. In his mind’s eye Seb is at ringside watching Avenger’s match against Dom. Looking across the ring, through the two competitors fighting in the ring is a very confused Avenger. Sebastian walked over to him and then turned to watch the match. “Didn’t realize you could get into my daydreams! That’s an awesome super power!”
Avenger seemed more than confused now, he seemed troubled. “I have no idea how I did that.”
He then looked upward at the narrator. “Did they do that in your show?”
The answer, of course, is yes.
Avenger looked back down and breathed out slowly. “Okay, I can handle this. So we’re watching me and Dom inside your head. No big deal.”
Sebastian nodded, “In that case, yeah, Dom is still my friend, just like Ax and Jon; but this isn’t about me. What do YOU think about your upcoming match?”
“I think that I have momentum...maybe?” Avenger said, not really sure if he understood the term. “I did beat three people in a row. I chokeslammed the hefty guy. I defeated the Left Hand. Dominick Strife shouldn’t be a big deal to me, even if I’m not using my powers. But then if I say that, I’m underestimating him like everyone else did here so far. Like...no offense, Axton did.”
Sebastian keeps his eyes on the match, his eyes following the movements as he speaks. “None taken but again, this doesn’t have anything to do with Ax, big heff, or the handy people. You and Dom. One on one. Do you BELIEVE in yourself like you believe in the abilities of the people you protect to be a good citizen?”
Avenger leaned forward on the imaginary ring, still unsure of how this worked. He thought for a moment and really took the time to consider Sebastian’s words.
He leaned back and grinned. “You know what? Yeah! Just because I lost a lot last year doesn’t mean I can’t come back strong now! I’m already doing it!”
Sebastian grinned back as The Avenger in the ring gets the upper hand. “I think you’re starting to get it. Can’t do anything about all the stuff that happened last year, but you CAN move forward because what else are you going to do? Hell, look at all the stuff I’ve been through in the last year. Found a wrestling family, lost a wrestling family, lost the tag titles, and not in that order. This year I won my first championship belt in a professional fed and I challenged someone I probably shouldn’t have to a match that better suits their skill set. That’s how I plan to become better and make my division better. Find a challenge, meet it, exceed it. It’s really that simple.”
With that, they were suddenly back on the roof, and Avenger shook his head to get the whooshing noise out of his ears.
“That daydream wasn’t as silly as mine,” he said.
He then glanced back at Sebastian, who didn’t seem as bothered by what transpired.
“You know, Citizen...you are more than just a sidekick. You’ve really come into your own! One day, maybe you too will be a superhero!”
Sebastian’s eyes grew saucer-wide. “You really think so?! That’s what I always wanted to be when I grew up!”
Avenger nodded. “Sure,” he said. “I mean, you don’t have superpowers so you’ll have to learn a trade. Maybe archery.”
The person behind the camera, who had been recording everything (including the time when the two were zoned out daydreaming together), mumbles something. Avenger frowned.
“Oh yeah,” he sighed. “Boss guy makes me do promos and I gotta finish this one. So I guess I’ll catch up with you later, Citizen!”
“Looking forward to watching you be heroic!” Sebastian gave an exaggerated thumbs up before disappearing the way he came. Avenger then turned to face the camera, which turned on a light that pointed directly at him, like a spotlight. He ran up to a closer distance and got into a superman-esque pose. The person filming muttered something again.
"I don't know!" Avenger exclaimed. "I'm sure no one will care that we were daydreaming."
He then pointed his finger at the person in front of him, but the point was really meant for Dominick Strife.
"Now then, before I was so pleasantly interrupted, I believe I was getting to my point! Citizen Strife! I don't underestimate you like other people do. And I don't think you're a bad guy! Confused, maybe. Unsure of himself, possibly. But bad? No! You've haven't had the best time here either, and that's okay! Sometimes people make mistakes and sometimes people get kicked right in the eye. It happens! I mean not to me, and nobody I know, but it happened to you! And it's possible it happened to somebody else!"
Like Hawke did earlier, Avenger gave a thumbs up.
"But that doesn't matter now. Because now you get a chance to shine on the biggest stage, against a superhero! For what is, in my super opinion, the top belt in Carnage! It may not be that way to you, or anyone else, but it is to me, and I'm going to fight for it as though I were in the main event fighting for the World."
The Avenger smiled, adding to the cheesiness of his extended thumbs up.
"Yes, people see me as just a guy that reads too many comics. But in comic books, the hero always wins! So who says real life can't be that way? Who says The Avenger can't go out there and win himself a title, just this once?
Sure, Johnny Vegas, literally every other wrestler and probably even Citizen Strife himself think that he's gonna walk into Fort McHenry and hit me with that superkick of his, winning without much trouble. But he's wrong! Dingo Atemybaby said he was going to beat me, and he lost. Zack Tyler said I wasn't a true hero, but I beat him! Biggie Easton didn't really say anything, but I beat him too!"
With his arm growing tired, the Avenger lowered the thumbs up, only to immediately switch arms and raise the other in the same position.
"I can have dreams," he said, nodding. "I can, just like anyone else! And I want to be a champion. Just once! The champion of my hometown. The champion of Baltimore. And it's going to happen! All I have to do is believe in myself and show Citizen Strife why my SUPERHERO KICK is truly super! You might even say it's superior!"
The camera then began to zoom out dramatically, with whoever was behind it also backing up in order to get as wide a shot as possible. The Avenger could be seen thinking as this happens, before he suddenly shouted out, "Wait, does this mean the narrator can control reality?"
But he got no answer. For this episode in his life is ending, and so join us next time...in the AvengerVerse! For now, our hero yelled one last thing before time runs out and the credits rolled.
“Wait! I know what show we referenced! It’s...”
