AvengerVerse Mini-Issue #2: Way to Go, Idaho
The new season is coming, full of new adventures, new jokes and we're sure a few surprises. Until then, Avenger's still trying to get his groove back!
Once again, The Avenger was short on time. He had a lot to say and not enough time to say it thanks to forces beyond his control, but that was okay. He was now wrestling for UGWC and as long as he didn't anger anyone by playing Drake songs, he thought things would work out. For the time being, 536 was back on his own home world, researching possible ways to get Sam back, which left Avenger to his own devices. So he found himself back at Earth #90210, where the Hollywood glitz and glamour had taken over all of civilization. Everyone was a star, everything was about status and fame.
This was his third trip, but he had a very important purpose. One that he felt necessary. He wanted to talk about his match with Hide Yamazaki at Synergy and since he ran out of time last week, he made arrangements ahead of time this week. He wouldn't be denied. He would talk strategy and he would get a little insight into his opponent's manager at the same time. It was brilliant. It was revolutionary. It was...
Avenger was in a dark room, sitting in a tiny director's chair that he hoped wouldn't collapse underneath him. A spotlight shined on him and the opposite chair, which revealed a short, bald man with a beard and body that could be described as potato-like.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the apparent host of this program said, and a small crowd in the stands golf clapped in response. "Allow me to make myself," he coughed. "Perfectly clear. I am Jonathan Lipton and this is Inside the Superhero's Mask."
"How is it that every version of you ends up saying that?" Avenger asked. Lipton gave him an odd look and then shook his head. A brief murmur spread through the audience and dissipated just as quickly.
"I'm under the impression," Lipton continued as if he wasn't interrupted. "That you are from a different universe. A universe where Hide Yamazaki is a brute wrestler and I am some loudmouth?"
The Avenger nodded gleefully. "That's right! Hey, you really do your research!"
Hide of course, was the director of the show, and had already been considering let it be cancelled, especially since he hated having his host mention his name on camera. Avenger caught him off stage rolling his eyes and waved.
"Yes, yes I do," Lipton replied, trying to steer the conversation back to his guest and not his temperamental director. "So Avenger, tell me, what do you have planned for your match against your opponent?"
The Avenger got up from his chair and into a heroic pose.
"You ever see Jurassic Park?" He asked, as if it was obvious where he was going with the question.
"I don't think we have that one here," Lipton replied. The truth was, they did have Jurassic Park in this universe, but Roger Corman got the rights before Spielberg and it turned out to be more like Carnosaur. Actually, it was more like Carnosaur 3, but we're getting off topic. That's a reference that only a select few of you will enjoy, but you'll really enjoy it.
"Well, the way I see it, Citizen Yamazaki is like the T-Rex." Avenger continued. The director's finger moved closer to the button to take the show off the air. "Oh sure, he looks big and bad and scary. And he's certainly dangerous. But in the end, he's not good or evil. He just exists! As long as you know your way around the situation, you can beat him! Like, Dr. Grant knew that the T-Rex can't see you if you don't move? Well I'm like that! I'm an expert on beating guys that are bigger than me. I even chokeslammed a 400 pound guy a few months ago! I'm on a two-match winning streak and Hide's on the way down. So I think it's time..."
"...that you made him extinct?" Jonathan 'Starmaker' Lipton replied, smirking to himself at the joke. The Avenger, however, was not amused. In fact, he was horrified.
"Heavens, no!" Avenger cried out, a hand to his chest in surprise and disgust. "I'm not going to kill him! Weren't you listening? He's not even a villain! I just thought I'd superhero kick him in the face a little bit and win the match!"
Lipton nodded and rubbed his head, as the superhero was making him look like a fool. "Okay," he said. "Let's change the subject. Tell us your origin story. Every superhero has one. What's yours?"
The Avenger sat back down, now wishing he could go home and watch Jurassic Park. Or maybe Jurassic Park III, which was his favorite. He rubbed his chin and thought hard.
"Don't you have an origin story?" Lipton pressed.
"I do!" Avenger said. "I just...can't remember."
"What kind of an answer is that?" Lipton demanded, getting angrier by the minute. "You're a TERRIBLE INTERVIEW."
"You don't have to shout!" Avenger shot back. "Besides, what would your agent Eden have to say?"
"THAT HARPY IS NOT MY AGENT!" Lipton shouted again. "HER AND HER HUSBAND ARE THE WORST PEOPLE!"
The Avenger couldn't help but be amused, as it seemed that no matter what the universe, all Johnnys were the same.
"Okay," he said, trying to calm down the situation. "What would your director say?"
Jonathan glanced back at Hide, who had his finger on the 'off-air' button. He started to grow very nervous.
"Hide! I mean, Mr. Yamazaki! Wait! Don't do it! Don't cancel me! This is all I have!"
As Avenger watched dumbfounded, Lipton slipped out of his studio chair and onto his knees, and began to beg. But it was too late. Hide Yamazaki of Earth #90210 pressed the button and the feed for the interview show shut off.
This was the end.