AvengerVerse, Volume 3, Issue 3: Hot Hero Summer

LAST TIME IN THE AVENGERVERSE:

Our hero, in an effort to..

"Hang on," Avenger said, somehow here talking to the narrator while also being wherever he was for this story. Are we ever going to explain that? We probably should, right? 

Avenger cleared his throat. Yes, Vengy?

"Let me try this," he continued. "I think I got it." Go ahead.

"Last time, me and Fat Me..."

He has a name, Vengy. The Avenger shook his head.

"Don't interrupt! It's rude! Anyway, me and TSFKAFM.."

That would be The Superhero Formerly Known as Fat Me...

"Yeah," Avenger agreed. "We went to this other Earth, like always, to a piece of a device that would help us save Sam. But instead I stumbled into murder mystery! And I solved it! But it was stupid Zealot and sent my buddy through stupid time and so I had him do the same to me so I could follow."

That wasn't a bad recap. You're going to put me out of a job.

"Don't you mean extinct?" he asked, before chuckling to himself. "Anyway, it's annoying to have someone interrupt you constantly."

You think so?

AVENGERVERSE, VOLUME 3: ISSUE 3

HOT HERO SUMMER

Earth #616, better known to everyone else as just plain ol' Earth, because they either don't know or don't want to know about multiversal travel. Some people are very closed-minded, which is why when our hero attempts to tell this tale, no one will believe him. Anthony Savage may tell him to stop playing dress-up again, because in spite of his bio saying he's a good guy, he's actually a jerk. But that seems to be the norm in UGWC, where the Avenger has found himself for the past month.

But we're getting off track.

This particular location on Earth is the Sonoran Desert in Arizona, a place no one in their right mind would willingly go in the middle of July, which is probably why everyone is there to attend a four-day wrestling festival. There was already a lot of craziness going on, which is probably why no one noticed when two versions of the same person suddenly appeared amongst the crowd, one small and one big. The Laurel & Hardy of superheroes hovered in the air for a few moments before they were both dropped down, landing on their backsides.

"Oof," said the Avenger.

"Big oof," 536 agreed.

Not that either of them had a clue where they were. 

"Oh no, are we at Coachella?" Avenger said, suddenly stricken with fear. "Or worse...Bonnaroo?"

536 got to his feet and dusted off his costume, noting the sand as he does so. As he looked around, he saw people walking around with face masks, and lines that were socially distanced. He began to put together the pieces in his mind and finally came to the only realistic conclusion.

"He didn't send us back far," he said. "We're in 2020."

"How can you tell?" Avenger said, looking around. Then he got it. "Oh. Real world issues. Apparently I'm supposed to solve those in between multiverse adventures and wrestling matches."

536, who had no idea what he was talking about, shook his head. "I think you have your hands a little full. Like, shouldn't we figure out how to get back to our time? And where are we?"

"More importantly, are we gonna get sued by the Time Jumpers?” Avenger asked, off in his own little world, apparently. “And for that matter, how exactly does time travel work? Because the last time I was in my own past body, but when I went through the ball pit at the last place I worked, I was in this body, like we are now.”

His larger companion simply sighed and rubbed his temples. Avenger was a lot to take on his best days, and this wasn’t one of those. “Let’s just figure out where we are first, okay?” 536 said, feeling a migraine coming on.

“Oh that’s easy!” Avenger said. He then grabbed a passerby by the shoulders, a child around seven or eight, and dropped down to his knees. “HEY KID! Can you help us? We…”

“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!” The kid screamed, then shook his way free and ran towards his nearby mother, who gave the two a cautious look. She then stepped backward and shook the arm of a nearby security guard, getting his attention. The guard eyed them both and, with the best nightstick his employers could buy, approached the pair.

536 nearly facepalmed when the Avenger, oblivious to everything, stepped forward and offered his hand. 

"Greetings, officer!” Avenger said jubilantly. “As a fellow defender of justice, perhaps you can...YEOUCH!” The officer grasped his hand firmly and twisted his arm behind him. Avenger, not realizing what was going on, wiggled free and took a step back. The officer pointed a can of pepper spray in his direction. 

“You masked freaks are everywhere, and now you’re attacking kids?” 

“We didn’t attack him!” Avenger argued. “We were just trying to find out where we are!”

“Oh yeah, like you just go to the middle of the desert for Wrestlestock and don’t know where you are! I’m taking you two in!”

The guard, perhaps a little too eager to inflict some of his own kind of justice, swung the nightstick inward and caught Avenger in the elbow. Purely out of reflex, Avenger then took a fighting stance and…

"SUPERHERO KICK!”

Kicked the security guard in the mouth. 536 held both hands up to his mouth and then reached one of them out to grab his friend by the shoulder. 

“Vengy?” he said quietly, as the guard began to reach for his walkie talkie.

“What?” Avenger asked, slowly realizing himself that he just kicked an officer of the law...or the closest thing the Consortium could afford in the middle of an Arizona desert.

“RUN!” 536 shouted, grabbing his companion by the wrist and running out of the general festival area.

---(A)---

“What is with you attacking kids? This is the second one!” 

536 was scolding Avenger as they now found themselves in one of the many districts Wrestlestock had to offer, taking a break from their newfound status as festival fugitives. 

“The second? The first one was a ROBOT! I didn’t even attack this one, I was trying to…” Avenger started to argue, then realized just how cold he was. “Did we run into an igloo?”

536 looked around and pointed at a sign that read “The Ice House.” Then he caught a glimpse of what the district was: a winter wonderland of sorts, populated by a variety of cosplayers, each dressed like a superhero or supervillain. 536 seemed a little irritated by the imitators walking about.

“Oh gross,” he said, repulsed. “We stepped into a Comic-Con in Antarctica.” He wrapped his cape around himself for warmth.

Avenger did the same, although he did not feel it was as cold as the actual Arctic, where he once went to save Santa Claus and Christmas itself. But before he could reflect on the good times, he noticed another caped figure approaching them wearing a distinctive red helmet. 

“Greetings, gentlemen, welcome to the Ice House. Can we interest you in complimentary wa…”

“YOU ARE MAGNETO! MASTER OF MAGNET!” Avenger exclaimed, then got into a defensive stance. “I’m ready to fight you, villain! I don’t eat ANY iron!”

‘Magneto’ rolled his eyes. “Okay, this is too weird for me.” He threw his hands up and walked away, leaving Avenger in position to deliver a superhero kick and no one to hit a superhero kick on. 536, who quietly accepted one of the complimentary ice waters, took a few sips and poured it on himself. He tapped Avenger on the shoulder.

“Vengy, he’s not…” 536 started, only to realize Avenger’s attention span had already been diverted when he saw just how many X-men characters were walking around the frozen paradise in the middle of a desert. 

“It’s a mutant rally!” Avenger said. “Silly me. Magneto isn’t on the side of evil right now!” He pantomimed wiping sweat from his brow. “Phew! THAT would have been embarrassing.”

That’s when the two noticed another man riding a hoverboard towards them. It was a future UGWC Cross-Hemisphere champion (but shh, don’t tell him that!) Konrad Raab. He seemed to be concerned that the two were even there. 

“Guys, I appreciate the enthusiasm but this is for X-men cosplayers only. I distinctly wrote that on the district requirements. Green Lantern and...whatever the big guy is supposed to be, they’re not even Marvel!”

“Green Lantern?” Avenger said, offended. “That hack? I’m not Green Lantern, I’m the Ave…”

536 quickly wrapped a hand around the mouth of Avenger and grinned sheepishly at Konrad. “You’re right. We misread it! Sorry, Mr. Raab!”

“I’ll let you guys stay here, but please make sure to walk around and greet the guests instead of sitting there.” Konrad, who appeared to be having trouble showing the anger he clearly had about the situation, simply shrugged his shoulders at them and walked off. 536, who didn’t realize he also covered Avenger’s nose and was cutting off his flow of oxygen, quickly released him. 

Avenger dropped to his hands and knees and gasped for breath. “Why?” was the only word he could get out.

“Because he doesn’t need to know who we are? We’re back in time, remember? We hadn’t even come back to Carnage yet this time last year!”

Our hero then got up and inhaled deeply, before letting it out. Feeling better, he nodded. “Fine. Can we go back into the heat now? I don’t want him to send his brother after us when he thinks we’re not working.”

“NO NEED, ZEROES!” A familiar voice screeched out among the crowd. Suddenly, the evil Zealot emerged from under a table, nearly knocking over a large potted cactus that no one but the nearby Covert Jay had realized was moving closer to him. The less you know about why and how long Zealot was under that table, the better. As for the cactus, that’s a story for another day.

“ZEALOT!” Avenger screeched back, not even realizing he was doing it. The two met up in the corner of the room. No one, not a single soul, was really paying attention to them because a giant carrot was about to do battle with a Pikachu. Be honest, is that something you could see any old day in the 616 Universe?

“Yesssss, it’s me!” Zealot cooed. “And don’t worry about getting home, because I’ve got special plans for you here! I’m going to BURN YOU, HERO!” 

“Burn us?” Avenger laughed. “We’re surrounded by ice, moron! THE ICEMAN is literally riding around on Back to the Future technology!”

“Yes, there’s ice here...but NOT where I’m going to send you!” Zealot flicked his wrist and the two were hurled through time and space again, not even realizing what had happened. 

---(A)---

An entire day passed and the two popped out in the middle of farmland, or what looked like farmland. Luckily there were no actual farm animals around, and what Avenger landed in was simply mud. He glanced around and saw a drive-in screen, as well as a farmhouse nearby. 

“Oh geez, that’s how he’s gonna burn us. We’re in December of last year!” Avenger cried out. “I’m too young to be in a cinematic wrestling match!”

536 shook his head. “No, still 2020...look.” He pointed a finger towards a familiar security guard, who was busy conversing with a group of people dressed like Cenobites, which are entirely out of place in this story but perfectly in line with the owner of this particular district. Not realizing exactly where they were, they maneuvered through rows of coffins and various horror-themed shops. They finally found their way inside the farmhouse, where they slipped inside.

“Cannot believe I just walked past a fake graveyard. And I’m pretty sure at least one of the coffins was smashed. Did somebody FIGHT over there?” Avenger asked, not expecting an answer. A battle in this area did take place the day before, but no one here seemed bothered that parts of the district had been destroyed in the process.

536 tried to catch his breath after being on the move again. “At least we’re safe inside this...replica farmhouse. Weird.”

Like many horror movie characters before him, Avenger felt the hairs on his neck stand up and he suddenly had a nauseated feeling in his stomach as he realized that they were not alone. 

“Ssssssafe?” A voice whispered from within the dark recesses of the farmhouse. Avenger didn’t know where the voice was coming from, but one look at his larger companion and he knew that he wasn’t the only one who heard it. 

A man with half of his face painted stepped forward, wearing various cuts and bruises that still seemed fresh. It was fitting, since he had just fought the night before and lost his belt to ‘The Final Girl’. He was joined by a small, thin man in a suit and a larger brute who stared down our heroes. Avenger gulped, probably because of how scared he was.

“I’m not scared!” Avenger shouted upward at the narrator. “It’s only Zealot!”

“I think you’re mistaken, friend.” The thin man said through a smile forming on his lipless mouth. “We are the…”

“Well you’re not Ataxia!” Avenger interrupted. "No sacks on your heads! Also I’m pretty sure there’s only one of him.”

The brute spoke up. “We’re the Astro-Creeps, idiot.”

The thin man placated him. “Calm down, Ny-Otep. Our friends are just lost. Isn’t that right?”

536 nodded his head forcefully. “Yes. Lost. Right. Wrong turn at the Piercing Media District. You know how it is.”

“Wrong turns get you killllllled,” Tempest whispered again. They figured out who the other two were by simple deduction. Tempest seemed distracted by something and Avenger didn’t want to ask what. “You should leave.”

536 forced a laugh and began to back out, while Avenger started to do the same. It was very hard for Avenger to walk backwards anyway, but with his focus split, he found it even more difficult. That’s why he eventually tripped over his own feet. He then planted himself into the ground and began to pinwheel his arms, accidentally knocking over a lantern, which shattered upon impact. Avenger immediately saw it and before the flames could begin to spread, ripped his cape off and began to beat at it until the fire was out.

He glanced back at the Astro-Creeps and smiled apologetically. “Whoops! That was a close one! But it’s just like Smokey the Bear says: Only YOU can prevent farmhouse fires!”

The Creeps began to advance on our hero, before he was grabbed by his cape (the second time in as many days for him) and yanked backward. Managing to stay upright, he took the hint and left with 536. As soon as they stepped out, now out of sight of their intimidating hosts, they turned around and found themselves staring at Zealot.

“THE TOUR CONTINUES!” he yelled and the device on his wrist teleported the pair again.

Back at the farmhouse, Daedalus stared down at the broken lantern and glanced back at Ny-Otep. “You really should be more careful where you put those things.”

---(A)---

The two spontaneously appeared, much like a Power Ranger teleport, and found themselves surrounded by giants. They did not realize that these giants, both in stature and importance to UGWC history, were everywhere. After all, with everything made of wicker in this district, that’s all you’re really going to notice when you hit the ground. But eventually, Avenger looked up and gasped at the sight of them.

“MOTHER OF PANCAKES!” he exclaimed. “It’s Jesse Williams!”

A giant wicker Jesse Williams looked down upon them, similar to how the real Williams looked down on his competition in the OWF. Avenger’s mouth was agape as he looked around and saw various wooden statues of figures he didn’t quite recognize but their importance seemed obvious. 

“You think I’ll get a giant wicker version of me at some point?” He asked. 

536, who was trying to adjust from all the teleporting (and whose stomach was having none of it), shrugged his shoulders and sighed. “I don’t know, maybe in another universe there already is a giant wicker Avenger.” 

“I don’t think he’d win in a fight with Steel Trent Steel,” Avenger opined, thinking back to Earth #42. And if you want to know what that’s all about, be sure to pick up AvengerVerse Elseworlds #1, on sale now! 

“Thanks for the plug, narrator!” Avenger said, offering a thumbs up to the heavens. 536 rolled his eyes.

“You know, we could be at the actual Wrestlestock right now, but you just had to get that piece.” He muttered. Avenger seemed offended.

“Excuse me? How else are we going to get Sam?” He asked.

536 sighed and sat down. “I don’t know, but maybe we shouldn’t? We don’t know anything about the negative universe and we’re going on one guy’s opinion that it’s even safe to go there. If Sam is even there, then maybe he’s doing alright!”

“If?” Avenger asked incredulously. 

“We don’t know Zealot came from there. We don’t know anything that goes into that place lives. We don’t know if we would!” 536 shot back.

“Well I don’t care!” Avenger said. “If erasing myself from existence means I could be reunited with my best friend, I’ll do it! I owe him that much, he did it for me!”

536 sighed and put his head in his hands. “I know,” he said quietly. “I know. But I’m so tired, Vengy. I miss the old days when we just ran from dinosaurs.”

Avenger nodded, then sat down next to him. “I get it. But you’re the one that recruited me for this gig. And now we’ve gotta stop another villain. It’s tiring. But justice never sleeps, or something.”

536 smiled, but didn’t reply. They just sat there for a moment, taking in the seriousness of the situation and the ridiculousness that they were at a wrestling festival in the middle of the desert, surrounded by flammable statues of the best of the best. Nearby, a hairy man huffed paint from a plastic bag. Had Avenger noticed, he might have given him a “Winners don’t do drugs” speech. 

Of course he heard the narrator and began to search for the man, but before he had the chance to find him, Zealot materialized in front of the heroes.

“FINALLY,” the maniacal villain said. “We’re FINALLY where I want you to be. You know, the evil version of your friend didn’t really give me instructions for this time travel device. ‘Just point and click, like a mouse' he said. But this thing doesn’t squeal no matter how many times I hit it!” 

Avenger popped up to his feet and pointed at his latest nemesis. 

“Are you telling me you HIT mice? That’s cruel!” 

“Well it’s not like I could eat them alive!” Zealot replied, then tilted his head and grinned. “Or could I? Might be fun to feel them wiggle as they slide down…”

“GROSS!” Avenger shouted. “Your evil stops now, Zealot! Send us back or be forced to face the consequences. No more time travel! I’m about to set right what you put wrong!”

536, no matter how tired he was of all the things they had to deal with today, got up to his feet and stood next to the Avenger. Assuming Zealot could think like you or I do, he might have noted how it looked like one of them was standing next to a funhouse mirror reflection. He aimed his wrist at them, and a bright light emitted from the device. The two heroes were suddenly blinded and then Zealot darted forward and KICKED 536 in the gut with such force that it knocked him into the Wicker Jesse Williams, so hard that he broke through the leg and found himself stuck inside.

“Come, fat one!” Zealot said, as Avenger rubbed his eyes and tried to adjust to his new temporary blindness. “It is time to keep your appointment with the Wicker Man!” 

“Oh no you don’t!” Avenger rushed in and tried to extend his leg for a Superhero Kick, but Zealot adjusted a setting on the device and Avenger vanished. Or rather, he teleported,  about twelve feet away from them.

“We’re in 2020, hero!” Zealot called out. “Social distancing!”

“THIS IS A COMIC BOOK!” Avenger shouted back and charged in, only for Zealot to press the button again and fling him back even farther. Avenger landed on his butt and growled in frustration.

“NO!” Zealot said. “You are going to sit there and you are going to watch while your friend BURNS! Any second now!”

In the distance, Alex Kiseragi was battling the world in a giant scavenger hunt for the Cross-Hemisphere title. Sadly, we couldn’t afford him for the actual story. Sorry, kids! Cameos are expensive! But soon, that battle would result in the wicker statues being set ablaze, and Zealot knew this. And he intended for 536 to go up with the wicker Jesse. 536 started to come to his senses after getting the wind knocked out of him, but found that he couldn’t get free from the statue without wood.

“Prepare to lose another one, SUPERZERO! I told you! I tooooooolllld you that you’d lose everything!” Zealot cackled, and continued cackling as he began observing the signs that the Wicker District was about to go up in flames. Avenger looked around in a panic, looking for some way to save his friend. 

That’s when he saw the bearded man huffing paint. 

“WINNERS DON’T USE DRUGS!” he shouted, and snatched the bag away from the man, who was so high that he thought the masked man taking his paint was just a hallucination. Avenger then took off towards Zealot, who seemed annoyed at our hero’s persistence. 

“This again?” he sighed, and reached to press the device, only for Avenger to throw the bag of paint at his face! The paint got in his eyes and he yelped, with the device on his wrist coming loose and flying into the hands of our hero. He then extended his leg and hit Zealot with the second superhero kick in as many days, kicking him hard into the other leg of Wicker Williams, which caused the statue to wobble from the damage done to it. Zealot roared in anger.

“RELEASE ME!” he shouted, but the Avenger ignored him. He reached in and grabbed the hand of 536 and pulled, attempting to free his friend from the wicker. Near the action, the bearded man scooped up the bag and what was left of his paint and shuffled away, ready to tell the tale to the nearby JC, who had arrived in a different section with a six-pack and an attitude. Of course, the tale would get garbled in transmission when he got there, because he had been huffing paint. Come on, kids, do we really need to tell you what drugs do to the brain?

Suddenly Avenger could smell smoke and realized that the fire had started and he didn’t have long. Zealot, who still couldn’t get himself free from the leg of the now irrelevant champion of the past, was laughing as he realized that even when he loses, he still wins. Perhaps he could coin that as a catchphrase. 

“I can’t get you out!” Avenger said. His body was tense and he felt like his skin was on fire. He kept tugging at the arm of his friend, hoping to use his super strength to free him. The wicker held surprisingly well for something that would be ash within a couple of minutes. He seemed frustrated and 536 stared at him, seemingly calm.

“Vengy, relax. Breathe. You know what to do. The device!” 536 said, talking through Vengy's minor panic attack at the thought of losing another friend. Avenger looked down and saw that the device had a dial, which had already been adjusted to 2021 in the (not quite massive) melee. 

“We aren’t even sure this will send you to Wrestlestock! You could end up in the ocean!” Avenger said, nervously.

“It’s better than BURNING TO DEATH!” 536 yelled, his voice raising as they suddenly realized the wicker effigy of Raenius was the first to catch fire, exploding with sudden brightness, color and heat. Fireworks shoot out of him in all directions, and one catches one of the arms of the wicker Jesse Williams, igniting it almost immediately. 

“Right. Teleporting blind it is!” Avenger said, aiming his wrist at 536 and flicking it, just as he saw the villain do. 536 vanished and a second later, fire fell from the left arm of Williams down onto the left leg, igniting it. That meant Zealot, who was stuck in a leg of his own, suddenly realized he was mortal...and began to laugh about it. 

“You’ll never get that piece now!” he giggled. “All of this was for nothing unless you save me!” 

The Avenger thought about saving him, but then realized that he had all the technology he needed in his hand. Surely something could be done with that, and if not, they’d find something else. Superheroes persevered. 

He glanced at Zealot, who wasn’t really struggling anymore, accepting his potential fate. “Have fun in 2020!” he yelled over the crackling wicker and roar of the flames. “It sucked for pretty much everyone!”

Avenger then saluted the supervillain and pointed his wrist at himself, before teleporting away. Zealot began to howl with laughter as the wicker Jesse continued to burn, the flames edging closer and closer to him. 

Elsewhere, JC sipped his beer as he watched the flames spreading over the entire district. “Now, that’s what I’m talking about!” he exclaimed, finally getting the burning Wicker Man he wanted.

---(A)---

Avenger flopped onto the ground and looked around, still spying some patrons with masks and others who didn’t wear any. He sighed as he realized that he was still at Wrestlestock. However, he then saw green colors and heard the noises of various arcade machines and realized that he was looking at Mr. Rad’s Rad Party, the district of Level Up Wrestling. And luckily for his sense of time, Level Up was definitely not a thing in 2020. But he had to be sure. 

So he spotted a boy, a little older, but somehow allowed to be at Wrestlestock in spite of the mysterious masked man that spooked him the year prior. Avenger pointed at the lad, who somehow didn’t recognize him. Therapy had been going well.

“You there! Boy!” Avenger shouted. “What day is it?”

“Why, it’s Wrestlestock Eve, sir!” the boy shouted back, before going back to his mom to pester her for quarters. 

“It’s Wrestlestock! I haven’t missed it! The gizmo did its job!” Then he realized 536 was nowhere near him. “Shoot.”

Suddenly his phone buzzed. A text message came in. He looked at it to see what it said.

“Vengy. I’m fine. I’m in Cleveland. Going to buy a plane ticket and hopefully I’ll be at Wrestlestock before your match!”

Avenger smiled, genuinely relieved that his friend was okay, even if he was lost in Cleveland. He walked to the ‘rad party’ and sat down at a Cruisin’ USA machine, just to take a break. It had been a very tiring day. They were no closer to getting Sam back, and he had the distinct feeling that Zealot would be back. If there was one thing he knew, it was that unless there was a body, no one was really dead. Or maybe that’s what he told himself to avoid the guilt of leaving someone to die. 

“I’m no better than JC,” he mumbled. This was untrue, of course, as he managed to do in four matches what JC couldn’t do in four years: win gold in UGWC. But the Avenger was notorious for his self-esteem issues that he never told anyone about.

Suddenly, there was a loud thunk and a small object collided with his chest, knocking him backwards out of Crusin’ USA. He looked up to see Jaclyn Pierrot, better known to wrestling audiences as Ragdoll,  standing with a shotgun aimed at him.  She looked it over and whistled.

“It does work!” Jaclyn exclaimed. 

Avenger held his chest where the bean bag hit him. Our hero just now remembered that the Ragdoll, his nemesis from the final days of Carnage, had signed with Level Up. Otherwise he would have gone elsewhere. He sighed, exhausted. Jaclyn furrowed her brow to him.

“What’s wrong, buck-o?  Isn’t this where you super hero?”

“Could we not?” he asked. “It’s been a long week of a day.” That sentence made more sense in his head than it did out loud. 

Jaclyn crouched inside of the decades-old racing game and peered down at him. “Wanna tell me about it?  I’m a good listener.”

Avenger didn’t entirely trust her, but he had to tell someone, so he started to talk. Mr. Rad, the Level Up AI, detected a potential promo with his censors and began to secretly record him, planning to upload it to UGWC as he hacked the servers later that night looking for Johnny Hitmaker’s bank account.

“Being a hero is tough!” Avenger said. “Like, they don’t tell you that in hero school. It’s really hard. I solved a murder mystery, beat Eden Morgan for the Conquest title and then explored last year’s Wrestlestock all in the span of a day! That’s a lot of travel for one superhero!”

He nodded to himself as he rested against the little-used Dig Dug cabinet. 

“And now, I’ve got to compete in the Wrestlestock Open! I mean, it’s my own fault, I signed up for the darn thing. But how else is justice going to get delivered? Do you think Anthony Savage is going to do it? He acts like a good guy but he’s a total jerk online! Talking about how he points out what he thinks is bad behavior, but there are better ways to go about it! Like, I don’t know, not make fun of the superhero who’s just doing his best! I can take it, sure, but we’re all supposed to be on the same side. It annoys me. He’s no better than Johnny, to be honest. They’re both jerks who act like good guys. Hide Yamazaki is a saint for putting up with Mr. Potato Head, that’s for sure.”

Realizing he just insulted one of the only people who treated him kindly in UGWC, he winced.

“I didn’t mean that. I’m just tired.” 

He shrugged his shoulders and continued, pulling himself up to his feet.

“And then you’ve got the guy I’m facing, ‘The Messiah’ Brandon Hendrix’. Have you seen this guy? Wearin’ a spooky mask and trying to bury people alive. He’s a total villain! And it’s not like this place is hurtin’ for villains! And they all want to paint their faces or wear masks or say spooky things, like that wasn’t cliched twenty years ago. But I guess evil never goes out of style, it just evolves. Except Brandon doesn’t evolve! He just stays the same, constantly! Always doing the same thing, over and over and over! ‘Look at me, I’m a scary demon guy!’

Ragdoll was still watching and said nothing. Avenger shrugged, realizing he was probably safe, and put a quarter into Dig Dug.

“So anyway, heroes aren’t scared of clowns or monsters or whatever! Brightly-colored faces just make them brightly-colored targets for my left foot! And if Mr. Meeseeks wants me to look at him, he better look at the Superhero Kick he’s got coming his way! It really stinks that I’m gonna have to hurt Level Up’s chances in this thing, because I really like you guys. But I represent UGWC and, more importantly, I represent #JUSTICE! And if Hendrix thinks he’s gonna terrorize Wrestlestock at the Avenger’s expense, he’s got another thing coming!”

Avenger got a ‘Game Over’ and inserted another quarter.

“And that goes double for your two champions. Magdalena Lockheart? Duncan Ryder or Shepard or whatever? I actually respect them. They’re tough fighters and I’m sure they’ll be tough opponents for me. But there’s only four people out of twelve representing UGWC in this thing and I think I’m the only actual good guy. And I’ll be honest, it hurt failing Carnage when I lost to Centurion earlier this year. I absolutely can’t fail UGWC! I can’t! They’re my new home. They welcomed me when I lost my Baltimore home. Literally.”

Another loss. Another quarter. Avenger was barely paying attention anyway, focused more on rambling about the Wrestlestock Open to someone that wasn’t even in it.

“And sure, I can keep paying them back by defeating the evil on their roster, but how’s it going to look if I lose to someone else’s champion? Or some jerk like Anthony Savage or Travis Pierce? How can I be the hero of UGWC if I can’t even come through when it counts? I’d have a lot to make up for if I somehow got eliminated in this thing.”

He reached down and patted his Conquest championship belt, which he had been wearing this whole time. Don’t ask how he got it in between his last adventure and this one. It’s wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff. 

“That’s why I said that if anyone beats me, they should get a shot at this. Because not only is it the right thing to do, but it’s what should happen! Zolton wants to inflict chaos on me? He gets the shot. But I guarantee you there’s no way he can create more chaos than I just had in the past few days. Crystal Zdunich may think she can beat me, and if she can, she gets a chance at yet another title. But do you think she can? I checked, and she doesn’t have a very good record at UGWC events! Plus I have it on good, Finnish authority that she’s not a good person, so I obviously can’t let her win!”

At that moment, he wondered what his biggest fan, Don Tirri, was up to, and if he’d be by the Level Up district at some point. He shook his head and kept going.

“And let’s not forget Sah’ta Thor and Shawn Young, even though I’m pretty sure they’ve forgotten they’re in the tournament. Have you heard anything from them? I haven’t. And then there’s Sylvia Lopez and Rogan MacLean. One of them is fighting in her first Open and I’m pretty sure Rogan’s on his twelfth. I mean it’s probably less than that, but it feels like he’s been a part of UGWC forever, doesn’t it? I bet he was competing in the Open since before UGWC was even a thing! But has he ever won one?"

He didn’t bother waiting for an answer.

“But it doesn’t matter. If they can beat me and eliminate me from this deal, then I’ll gladly give them a shot. I’m already contractually obligated to give the District Challenge winner a shot, why not give out another one! I’m a fighting champion, and not just because that’s the rules of the belt I’m holding! I’d still defend the Baltimore title from Carnage if I could!”

That belt was safely at his new living quarters, assuming Captain 80s wasn’t using it as a coaster again. Apparently that decade knew nothing of respect for the property of others. 

“And if I’m honest, no matter how tired I am, I have no doubt that I’m still going to give my all in this tournament. Because that’s what heroes do! And I’ll tell you something. I’m having a hot streak lately. I mean, 3-1 since I came here? Beating Eden Morgan even though no one thought I could? I mean, come on! Everyone just assumed she was gonna steamroll me and have “fun”, and look what happened!”

He got a game over screen and decided to give it one last try, inserting another quarter. It was also his last quarter, but he was going to stop after this anyway. Honest.

“But I’m not bragging, because she was tough! And I’m looking forward to the rematch, because I can’t improve myself if I’m not constantly going up against tough odds. So that’s part of why I entered this thing. A big tournament with fighters from all over? Putting pressure on myself the way I am? It’s all to improve myself to be a better superhero. And right now, I’m on a hot streak. And let me tell you something, no Messiah, no Black Legacy, no Dark Man, no Man of Chaos, NO ONE, PERIOD, is gonna cool me down any time soon!” 

His voice grew louder as his confidence built up, as it normally did when he psyched himself up with these things. 

“It’s going to take a lot to eliminate me from the Open, because there’s a lot riding on it! The pride of UGWC! The chance to improve myself! ACTUAL JUSTICE. You can try to eliminate me, but you’re going to get the fight of your life if you do. I’m not the same Avenger that got beat all the time in Carnage. I’m not even the same one that rolled into Uprising! This Avenger is tougher, stronger and more sure of himself than ever! This Avneger having a hot hero summer! Good luck against THAT meteorological phenomenon!”

Another game over screen. Avenger chuckled and took a step back.

“Wow, that really did feel good to unload all of that. I appreciate you letting me vent, Ragdoll! Maybe in another lifetime, I could have called you fr…”

Avenger glanced back and saw that the only one in the Cruisin’ USA cabinet was someone dressed like a WaLuigi. The Waluigi crashed his car and glanced at him. “WAAAAAH” it groaned, throwing a turtle shell at the screen.

“Figures,” Avenger said, before shaking his head and walking off to prepare for his next adventure.