AvengerVerse, Volume 3, Issue 5: The Avenger Does Not Kinkshame
LAST TIME IN THE AVENGERVERSE:
Suddenly, Sam Action came into the ring, taking notice of the Avenger's sweaty, bulging muscles. However, he was needed elsewhere, betrothed to another, and didn't dare comment on a love whose name he didn't dare speak.
Plus Avenger was asexual, as most people knew.
"Vengy! You're supposed to be resting!" Sam said, faking shock when he knew Avenger could not rest. Heroes never did. "Even you can't heal this fast."
Avenger did a Superhero Kick into mid-air, not even glancing at his best friend, who leaned against the door frame, incredulous.
"Don't bet on it, Sam!" Avenger said, his voice almost coming out in a growl.
Sam advanced into the room. Others might be afraid of his superpowers, but Sam was not. "Dionysus and Matt Stone nearly killed you."
Avenger stopped, looking back at his friend. "Someday, I'll learn not to let my guard down. AAAAARGH!" He then immediately doubled over in pain even though he was just fine earlier, because the plot demanded it.
"VENGY!" Sam shouted, racing to his friend's side and cradling him in his arms.
"Sam..." Vengy gasped, full of emotion at being held.
Sam realized what was happening and quickly backed off. "I've...got to go. Uh...The NegaVerse needs me."
"So do I," Vengy said, hoping Sam would stay. He wouldn't, though, as he left through the door and out of his life again. The Avenger stared longingly where Sam Action just was, and then...
AVENGERVERSE, VOLUME 3, ISSUE 5
THE AVENGER DOES NOT KINKSHAME
"SNIKT!" The Avenger shouted, waking up from his sleep. He was back at the hotel room he shared with his counterpart from Earth #536 staring at him. He had been tinkering with the new, bigger, badder, expanded version of the Multiversal Remote, now with time travel and negaverse-hopping capabilities. Surprisingly, it was almost done. But before Avenger could think about that, he had another question that popped into his brain.
"Wait, that was a dream sequence?" He asked the narrator only he could see and hear. "Are ALL my recaps dream sequences?"
The narrator decided not to answer, as it might make for a good story later. Avenger frowned at the tease.
"Did you dream about Sam again?" 536 asked, taking a small welder to the device, hoping to finally finish it today.
"Yes," Vengy said, only slightly embarrassed.
"Which one of you was Jean this time?" 536 chuckled. Avenger tended to dream himself into cartoons, a fact that only two people knew, and one of them wasn't supposed to know.
"Yeah, good point!" Vengy agreed with the narrator. "How did you know that!?"
"You talk in your sleep a lot, man. And I've seen that episode of X-Men like nine times. I watched a lot of TV working on this thing."
"That's another question," Avenger asked. The last time anyone saw him, he was in the Void. Again. After pushing a button...there's a lot of mythology that only regular readers are aware of. Perhaps you should go back and get acquainted with past issues. "How did I get back here? How is that done? Am I in the future? Where's the Savage Tonyman?"
536 turned off his welder and sighed, waving his hand as he explained. "It's the year 2022. You've been back for months. We got you out of the void in December and you've been wrestling since. ST used his Retconia device to save you and send himself back to where he came from."
Avenger sat down, rubbing his head, which ached.
"But I met more of The Maker's characters. And got stuck in another void after hitting a button."
"Yeah," 536 agreed. "The first thing happened. ST saved you. That other void was just the walk-in freezer at the local Burger King. The Retconia device causes...memory and thinking problems that last a few months."
"So that's why I can't remember the passage of time and things have progressed so far, so quickly." Vengy smiled, although the thought of a mystical device giving him another concussion wasn't something he particularly enjoyed. "How convenient!"
536 turned the welder back on and continue to fuse wires together. "Don't ask why you were in the walk-in freezer, because I don't know."
"I'm sure I had a good reason," Avenger speculated, but he really didn't. The truth was, he was in a fugue state and had a craving for the McDLT. Why he craved a burger from the late 80s will forever remain a mystery.
"That's weird, even for me," Avenger said in a rare self-reflective moment. "Okay, that clears all of that up. So what about the device, can we go save Sam? Why didn't we just use the Retconia to make it so he was back too?"
536 continued to weld, wires sizzling as he did so. "Because ST was actually kind of a dick, as it turns out."
"LANGUAGE!" Avenger scolded, something that 536, or really anyone, was a fan of. But Vengy had his morals and stuck to them. He was very stubborn and off-putting in that way. Looking skyward and muttering under his breath about the decay of modern society, Vengy tightened his mask and finally leaped out of bed.
"Well, I'm glad we can go find Sam soon. He's one of ours. I mean technically he belongs to the universe he created him, but that universe was kind of lame anyway."
Avenger then grabbed his cape, which he felt naked without, and wrapped it around his shoulders before fastening it. Next was his utility belt, and he immediately pulled his cell phone from it. An icon stared up at him, resembling a bell with a yellow background.
"What's a Snapchat?" Avenger asked.
"Photo app," 536 said, noncommitted to anything his friend had to say as he really wanted to finish the task he had been working on for nearly a year. Then he realized what Avenger said and did a double take. "Wait, YOU have Snapchat?"
"Yeah, I guess...why?"
536 got up and grabbed at the phone, which Avenger let him have. He immediately opened the app and scanned through it. Avenger's friend list was actually quite small. There was a pending request to Sam Tolson, and it seemed his actual friends were Donny Mason, Dionysus, El Tocino Azul, Dude Job, Catalina Cortes and someone named Guy Manson. It turned out he had yet to add any of the porn accounts that were all over that app.
"THERE IS PORN ON THAT APP?" Avenger shouted to the heavens at the unseen voice in his head.
536 didn't bother questioning who Avenger was shouting at or what prompted him to ask about it. He was just relieved Avenger hadn't been traumatized.
"Yes," he said, nodding grimly. "There is porn on it, sometimes. But it doesn't seem anyone you've added is going to send any."
"This is a serious problem!" Avenger said. "A porn app! And on MODEST MCALROY MONDAY, OF ALL THE DAYS!"
It was Thursday.
"This must be stopped! Fat Me, how long until that device is done?"
536 handed back his phone and shrugged. "I don't know, a couple of hours?"
"Then I will be back before then, but first, I must ELIMINATE ALL PORN!"
"Vengy, I don't think..."
"TO THE AVENGERCYCLE!" Avenger then ran out the door, the Retconia clearly affecting his mind again as he raced to do what so many Republicans had tried to do before him.
"It was just a blow-up doll," Avenger said, embarrassed.
In his fugue state, The Avenger proceeded to save every lingerie-dressed mannequin and blow-up doll in the building. They were now all assembled outside in a pile, with police stopping nearby citizens from stealing the items for their personal use. Avenger heard a crackling sound and took a step back when the building's sign, which read BALTIMORE ELITE NOVELTY ITEMS, tore from the building and fell to the ground.
Avenger shook his head and took another few steps back, before pacing. He then got the idea to open the camera on his phone. While he was on a rooftop, his favorite spot to record wrestling promos, he was going to record one for APWO. He hit the appropriate button and began to speak.
"Greetings, Citizens of APWO! My name is the Avenger, and as you can see, I'm perched on top of this building, which could be any building in the world and definitely not some seedy adult bookstore! In fact, it's as far from..."
Suddenly the ground beneath him began to crack. The fire, it seemed, had destroyed part of the roof, and Avenger's weight caused the place he was standing to give way and he fell through a hole in the roof and landed right in the middle of a pile of scorched novelty penis-shaped pillows. The phone, somehow still in his hand and still recording, avoided getting broken. He leaned back for a moment, before he realized what he was leaning back and quickly scrambled to his feet.
"Okay, so it's a porn shop! Big deal! But I'll have you know I was very heroic today anyway! It's 2022, the Avenger does not kinkshame!"
He nodded, even though an hour before this, he was crazily thinking he could eliminate porn. We're going to chalk that up to his brain still healing after getting irradiated by a mystical device from another universe.
"Much like the seedy underbelly of the greatest city in North Central Maryland, APWO is in need of some purging! Did you know that you have an actual cryptid on your roster? A Wendigo! I did research! She eats people! I mean, I haven't seen her eat anybody and YOU haven't seen her eat anybody, but why would somebody lie about that?"
He shook his head, realizing he needed to stay on point.
That mime story is best saved for another day.
"And now I find myself facing two people who couldn't be poorer choices to be the Champion of Earth! Oh don't get me wrong, Citizens. Matt Stone and Dionysus are good wrestlers, but are they really who you want to represent your company? To be the shining beacon of hope that something like APWO fans need? Do you think either one knows anything about #JUSTICE? I doubt they even believe in it! But I believe in #JUSTICE, you bet I do! I believe that it's every company's right to have a champion it can be proud of! Or if not, perhaps a good attorney so that they can sue if someone sullies their reputation! That's certainly a good use of the justice system!"
Avenger, rambling again, tried to get back to the point. It was hard for him to think straight lately.
"Anyway, I'm here on Modest McAlroy Monday..."
Again, it was Thursday.
"To tell you all that The Avenger is the best choice to be the APWO World Champion! Look at me! I'm loveable. I'm charming. I'm funny. And more important, I'm committed to truth, justice and the Vengy way! What is the Vengy way? I'm so glad you asked!"
He spun around in a circle and got in a superhero pose, his fists against his hips and his chest pressed outward, proudly.
"The Vengy Way is helping those who need it! Going on adventures! Eating your milk and drinking your vitamins! Well, the other way around but you understand! It's being the best possible Citizen you can be! Do you know how many in this business are just hateful or focused on other things? Matt Stone is a jerk to everybody. I mean, one of his nicknames has the word 'abominable' in it, and you don't get that by being nice! Dionysus literally tried to light another human being on fire this month! That happened!"
Avenger nodded, as if he spoke some great truth.
"My point is, while they may be very good at what they do, and they had to be to get to this match, they are poor champions. I am a champion in my heart and I am a champion of good! It only makes sense that I should superhero kick both of these guys and become the APWO CHAMPION OF EARTH! And you know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do! Because I'm the hero APWO deserves AND the hero it needs right now!"
Avenger stuck out an arm in a big thumbs up, a cheesy grin forming on his face.
"And it's time your loveable Vengy claimed another belt to become a symbol of hope to all those who need it! The world is one big burning smut shop right now, and it's time The Avenger comes to spray the fluids of #JUSTICE all over its flames!"
Avenger then happily reached forward and saved the video. Without thinking, he immediately uploaded it to the APWO servers. As the percentage hit the 90s, he suddenly realized what he said with the whole 'fluids of #JUSTICE' thing.
"No, wait!" He shouted, but it was too late. The video hit 100% and APWO had it.
He frowned, then shrugged. "Oh well, they get what I mean. Stupid porn shop, messing with my head."
Suddenly his phone dinged. He looked at it and saw that 536 sent him a request to be friends. He accepted it, and a photo was sent to him.
It was the device, completely finished. A big 'thumbs up' emoji was next to it.
"It's done!" Avenger exclaimed. "Well at least that's one thing right, we can save Sam!"
Before he had time to think about that, he got another friend request from someone named 'Android 69'. He accepted it.
Then he got a photo of a circuit board. He scratched his head in confusion before closing the app and racing back to his cycle to get home.