All-New Avenger, Issue #2: What a Maroon
LAST TIME IN ALL-NEW AVENGER:
It feels weird, saying that. But last time, our hero found himself in a rut. It seems after traveling the multiverse, stopping regular street crime was getting boring.
"Boy, did it!" Vengy said, popping into the void. Or whatever this is. "Don't confuse them," he added. "We had enough lore two issues ago."
That's true. But last issue, we revealed that our hero was living with his friends in a series of motel rooms in Baltimore. Four Avengers, all from very different earths, making an honest living for themselves.
"Also I lost to a guy NAMED Wolf, but he wasn't a werewolf at all." Our hero added.
There was that. One thing was Vengy deciding he needed something exciting, something to reawaken his passion for 'heroing', if you will. When he told his best friend Sam Action this, Sam got an idea.
"An AWFUL idea," Vengy corrected.
A wonderful, AWFUL idea.
"No just the second part. Actually, you mind if I take over the narration? I've got a lot to say. I don't think we need an omniscient voice in my head this time."
Are you serious? Please! I would love the vacation!
"Voices take vacations?"
"Hello?"
"Narrator?"
"Wow, that was fast."
"Boy, did it!" Vengy said, popping into the void. Or whatever this is. "Don't confuse them," he added. "We had enough lore two issues ago."
That's true. But last issue, we revealed that our hero was living with his friends in a series of motel rooms in Baltimore. Four Avengers, all from very different earths, making an honest living for themselves.
"Also I lost to a guy NAMED Wolf, but he wasn't a werewolf at all." Our hero added.
There was that. One thing was Vengy deciding he needed something exciting, something to reawaken his passion for 'heroing', if you will. When he told his best friend Sam Action this, Sam got an idea.
"An AWFUL idea," Vengy corrected.
A wonderful, AWFUL idea.
"No just the second part. Actually, you mind if I take over the narration? I've got a lot to say. I don't think we need an omniscient voice in my head this time."
Are you serious? Please! I would love the vacation!
"Voices take vacations?"
"Hello?"
"Narrator?"
"Wow, that was fast."
ALL-NEW AVENGER, ISSUE #2:
WHAT A MAROON
AND SO OUR HERO...
Wow, that's really loud. Let me try again.
To whomever it may concern,
I now find myself marooned at sea. How I got here is actually a funny story, and I really want my story told. That's why I have this notepad with me. I'm writing it all down to be delivered to the masses before Keeper of the Keys. Because I fear that before this long, strange, journey of mine is over, I will be dead. Not because I'm drifting aimlessly along the water with no food, water or ways to go to the bathroom. None of that is any good, but I've been in worse jams.
No, whoever you are reading this, the reason I'll be dead is because my friends betrayed me.
Gosh, I don't even have a compass out here. Who uses compasses in 2023 anyway? Salty, sea-dog fishing boat captains, I guess. Hey, that's what I could do! I could captain a fishing boat, change my name. She'll never find me on the SS Waves of Fun!
Where was I?
Oh yeah, betrayal.
I guess I should start at the beginning.
In every universe, there's an Avenger. In some of those universes, The Avenger is dead. The very first other universe I went to, in fact, had a dead Avenger. You know who killed him?
Lucy Wylde.
Got stuck on another earth with dinosaurs. A Lucysaurus Rex tried to bite my head off like I was the lawyer in Jurassic Park. Actually that was more like a Carnosaur. She definitely wasn't from Prehysteria, that's for sure!
Another earth, an AI named J.E.N.O.V.A. tried to kill us with lasers.
There was that one Earth with Lucy Peacock...she didn't try to kill me but she DID accuse me of murder, so that's basically the same thing.
There's a Lucy Wylde on this Earth too and I've done a pretty good job of avoiding her before now. Except...my friends decided to challenge her for her Chaos title on my behalf.
Some friends, right? Putting me in a no rules match with someone who, as far as I know, hates me and wants to kill me! Like, ACTUALLY kill me, not JC catchphrase kill me.
I've never narrated a story before, but I think to best tell this one, we need a flashback. I've heard those are good for context. Maybe I can piece together the facts and figure out why they're so eager for me to be no more. Cease to be. An ex-superhero. You get the picture.
Wow, that's really loud. Let me try again.
To whomever it may concern,
I now find myself marooned at sea. How I got here is actually a funny story, and I really want my story told. That's why I have this notepad with me. I'm writing it all down to be delivered to the masses before Keeper of the Keys. Because I fear that before this long, strange, journey of mine is over, I will be dead. Not because I'm drifting aimlessly along the water with no food, water or ways to go to the bathroom. None of that is any good, but I've been in worse jams.
No, whoever you are reading this, the reason I'll be dead is because my friends betrayed me.
Gosh, I don't even have a compass out here. Who uses compasses in 2023 anyway? Salty, sea-dog fishing boat captains, I guess. Hey, that's what I could do! I could captain a fishing boat, change my name. She'll never find me on the SS Waves of Fun!
Where was I?
Oh yeah, betrayal.
I guess I should start at the beginning.
In every universe, there's an Avenger. In some of those universes, The Avenger is dead. The very first other universe I went to, in fact, had a dead Avenger. You know who killed him?
Lucy Wylde.
Got stuck on another earth with dinosaurs. A Lucysaurus Rex tried to bite my head off like I was the lawyer in Jurassic Park. Actually that was more like a Carnosaur. She definitely wasn't from Prehysteria, that's for sure!
Another earth, an AI named J.E.N.O.V.A. tried to kill us with lasers.
There was that one Earth with Lucy Peacock...she didn't try to kill me but she DID accuse me of murder, so that's basically the same thing.
There's a Lucy Wylde on this Earth too and I've done a pretty good job of avoiding her before now. Except...my friends decided to challenge her for her Chaos title on my behalf.
Some friends, right? Putting me in a no rules match with someone who, as far as I know, hates me and wants to kill me! Like, ACTUALLY kill me, not JC catchphrase kill me.
I've never narrated a story before, but I think to best tell this one, we need a flashback. I've heard those are good for context. Maybe I can piece together the facts and figure out why they're so eager for me to be no more. Cease to be. An ex-superhero. You get the picture.
---(A)---
A few days ago, I was leaving Synergy only to be greeted by my friends. There was Smart Me, who used to be Fat Me but he got hot and everyone agreed calling him Hot Me was weird. There was also the skinny me, and honestly we could be here all day talking about how weird HE is. He spent a lot of time in a horror world with a giant mothman and now he demands we call him Venge.
Finally, there's Sam Action.
Sam is my best friend. He's also the best hero that has ever existed. A glorious golden god who can do no wrong. The peanut butter to my jelly. The yin to my yang. The Sprite to my thirst. He's a pretty cool guy, is what I'm getting at. He's why the phrase 'hero worship' was invented.
They were all there, ready to pick me up after what was honestly a pretty lame loss to Ezra Wolf. So when I came out of the UGWC Arena, I was bummed. It's not every day you lose to a werewolf poser. I stepped out of the building and plopped down right on the curb, putting my head in my hands.
"What's the matter, Vengy?" Sam asked, because he always did. I think after I saved him he's been very worried about me, like he thinks he owes me. He doesn't, but he's a good guy and doesn't like to have debts.
"I lost," I said. (Oh hey, my speech text color is normal when I narrate. That's nifty. Oh yeah, the story). I felt like feeling sorry for myself that day, which I admit isn't something other people like seeing. So I sighed before I kept talking. "It'd be one thing if he was a werewolf but he was just, like, a normal guy! Some Halloween this was!"
Smart Me sat down next to me. He had something in his hand, but I couldn't make out what it was. Venge was busy hanging out in the shadows. He didn't talk much. "We tried to tell you he wasn't a werewolf," Smart Me said.
I shrugged. Sam put a hand on my shoulder to console me. He was good about that.
"You got so excited," he said. "We knew you'd be let down."
"It's not even the loss," I argued back. "I guess I just really miss the excitement of traveling the multiverse with you guys."
Smart Me looked at Sam, who shook his head. I didn't bother asking what that was about, but maybe I should have.
I shrugged. Sam put a hand on my shoulder to console me. He was good about that.
"You got so excited," he said. "We knew you'd be let down."
"It's not even the loss," I argued back. "I guess I just really miss the excitement of traveling the multiverse with you guys."
Smart Me looked at Sam, who shook his head. I didn't bother asking what that was about, but maybe I should have.
"We miss it too," Smart Me said. I guess I can call him 536 for short, that's the Earth he was from. The other narrator did that. Anyway, 536 also comforted me with a friendly pat on the back. "We're not even sure if we'll ever get home."
"Not that we want to," Sam added. "But it would be nice to have the option. Maybe go back and forth."
"I get it," I said. We were a weird family but they were not from here. If you need any proof of that, follow Sam on his new Twitter account @SamAction_. He's not good at Twittering.
"Not that we want to," Sam added. "But it would be nice to have the option. Maybe go back and forth."
"I get it," I said. We were a weird family but they were not from here. If you need any proof of that, follow Sam on his new Twitter account @SamAction_. He's not good at Twittering.
"I get it," I said again, because I felt like I needed to. "It's just...when I'm out there, saving the multiverse, I feel like I matter. Here, I'm just a joke again. Nobody takes me seriously."
Sam raised an eyebrow, which usually meant he was done with my moping. I had a feeling he was about to drop some sage-like wisdom on me, which could only come from someone with his years of superheroing. He stared up at the sky and then shrugged his shoulders.
"I got nothin'," he said.
Sam raised an eyebrow, which usually meant he was done with my moping. I had a feeling he was about to drop some sage-like wisdom on me, which could only come from someone with his years of superheroing. He stared up at the sky and then shrugged his shoulders.
"I got nothin'," he said.
"Say what?" I asked.
"How you gonna say you don't matter when you got two people here that think you do? And Venge, I guess but..."
He looked back at the skinny version of me, who was busy looking into various cars of various UGWC wrestlers. Looking and smelling. Look, we know it's wrong, but how do you explain to a therapist that your friend spent months with a Mothman? Just because he's weird, doesn't mean we want him locked up. Anyway, seeing that made Sam shake his head.
"Anyway, you matter to us. And what joke, you beat Matt Knox in ten seconds! That guy is main eventing the next PPV. And you know what? You're on that show too."
"Probably fighting John Blade," I muttered.
"Nope," 536 said, reaching beside him for the paper I noticed earlier. "We got you a title match."
He handed me the paper, a print-out of the Keeper of the Keys card. There it was, second match of the night. The Avenger vs...Lucy Wylde. I swear, my eyes got so wide I'm sure my friends thought they were about to pop out of my skull.
"You did WHAT?"
Sam got up and held his hands out to try and calm me down. "Vengy, relax."
I backed up from them, because at this point I was very nervous. "Relax? You want me to relax? That's a Lucy Wylde, Sam. You were THERE when the robot shot lasers at us!"
I then pointed at Smart Me, who I didn't think was very smart in that moment. "And YOU were there with the dinosaur!"
536 got up and like Sam, tried to close the distance. I can't say that I wasn't going to try to run, but I definitely felt like it.
"How you gonna say you don't matter when you got two people here that think you do? And Venge, I guess but..."
He looked back at the skinny version of me, who was busy looking into various cars of various UGWC wrestlers. Looking and smelling. Look, we know it's wrong, but how do you explain to a therapist that your friend spent months with a Mothman? Just because he's weird, doesn't mean we want him locked up. Anyway, seeing that made Sam shake his head.
"Anyway, you matter to us. And what joke, you beat Matt Knox in ten seconds! That guy is main eventing the next PPV. And you know what? You're on that show too."
"Probably fighting John Blade," I muttered.
"Nope," 536 said, reaching beside him for the paper I noticed earlier. "We got you a title match."
He handed me the paper, a print-out of the Keeper of the Keys card. There it was, second match of the night. The Avenger vs...Lucy Wylde. I swear, my eyes got so wide I'm sure my friends thought they were about to pop out of my skull.
"You did WHAT?"
Sam got up and held his hands out to try and calm me down. "Vengy, relax."
I backed up from them, because at this point I was very nervous. "Relax? You want me to relax? That's a Lucy Wylde, Sam. You were THERE when the robot shot lasers at us!"
I then pointed at Smart Me, who I didn't think was very smart in that moment. "And YOU were there with the dinosaur!"
536 got up and like Sam, tried to close the distance. I can't say that I wasn't going to try to run, but I definitely felt like it.
"Vengy," he said. "You said you're in a rut. You said you want excitement. You said you want to be taken seriously in this place. This is how you do it! You can beat Lucy Wylde. You can become the Chaos champion! If anyone knows about Chaos, it's a guy who saved the multiverse with a hug!"
"He's right, man," Sam agreed. "Long-winded, but unfat fat you knows his stuff. You are stronger than you think and I been tellin' you that."
"Did you forget that I lost tonight? To a dudebro that probably has a checkmark on Twitter selling crypto?" I admit that was mean, and Ezra didn't really do anything, but I was upset. "If I lost one title match against him, how am I going to beat someone like her? She's way above me. How am I gonna go into that and do anything but die a horrible death?"
The two looked at each other, then back at me.
"Because you're Vengy," they said at once, as if that was supposed to make all the sense in the world.
I guess part of me understood then, and understands now, what they were trying to say. But at the time, it felt like they decided to sign my death warrant. It didn't feel good. They knew that while there was a lot I wasn't afraid of, she was one of them. They also knew what her variants had done to us in the past.
The worst one wasn't even the dinosaur or the robot. But to tell that story, I'm going to have to do something never before done. To break all the narration rules. I'm going to need...
The two looked at each other, then back at me.
"Because you're Vengy," they said at once, as if that was supposed to make all the sense in the world.
I guess part of me understood then, and understands now, what they were trying to say. But at the time, it felt like they decided to sign my death warrant. It didn't feel good. They knew that while there was a lot I wasn't afraid of, she was one of them. They also knew what her variants had done to us in the past.
The worst one wasn't even the dinosaur or the robot. But to tell that story, I'm going to have to do something never before done. To break all the narration rules. I'm going to need...
---(A)---
A flashback within a flashback! Yeah, I bet you didn't know I was going to do that, did you?
Hey, don't you dare start reading something else! You don't get to complain! This is how superheroes tell stories!
Anyway, this flashback is important.
During our first year as a group, we were trying to stop the multiverse's worst wrestler from destroying everything. He kept winning matches thanks to a special tool, and since he's not any good, that made entire worlds collapsed. Don't worry, we saved everything and put it all back to normal. It was a whole thing.
While we were searching for him, we landed on an earth that looked like it came out of the Terminator. Sam, 536 and I had split off from our other two friends. I'd explain who they are but that's a bunch of extra lore you don't really need. One was dark and brooding, the other was a cowboy. It was like two different eras of Matt Knox colliding.
During our first year as a group, we were trying to stop the multiverse's worst wrestler from destroying everything. He kept winning matches thanks to a special tool, and since he's not any good, that made entire worlds collapsed. Don't worry, we saved everything and put it all back to normal. It was a whole thing.
While we were searching for him, we landed on an earth that looked like it came out of the Terminator. Sam, 536 and I had split off from our other two friends. I'd explain who they are but that's a bunch of extra lore you don't really need. One was dark and brooding, the other was a cowboy. It was like two different eras of Matt Knox colliding.
"This place is creepy," I said, pulling my cape in front of me to block an incoming dust cloud. I wasn't wrong. There were skulls everywhere and for some reason the sky was red. You remember those last few years of Ninja Turtles when they tried to make it darker? The sky was like that. I didn't know how it got to be that red and I didn't want to know. Alternate universes are wild.
"Where are we, anyway?" Sam asked. He caught me looking at him and so I quickly looked away. We weren't best friends yet.
536, who was still fat at this point (not that there's anything wrong with that), glanced at the Multiversal Remote (RIP). "Earth #1991. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."
"The MR says that?" I asked, shocked.
"The MR says that?" I asked, shocked.
"No," 536 said, before pointing at a destroyed brick wall. "That does."
We both looked over at the wall, which had posters all over it. We stared at it and saw they were pictures of what appeared to be heroes, but they were also wresters in other universes. Each one of them had their own unique costume or some sort of superpower visible in the photo. The list included:
"SUPERHERO BLUDGEONING!" I shouted, before throwing the giant gun that was half the size at my body at LucePool. She dodged and the gun sailed past her, crashing into a support beam of the building she kicked me in.
I saw it and pointed, but apparently she saw it as a distraction. She charged her own gun.
"Stop making fun of my feet," she said.
I shrugged as the section of ceiling above her started creaking and rattling.
"They're about to match your head," I countered. The ceiling then collapsed on top of her before I jumped out of a window into the waiting arms of Sam, who told me later he was sneaking up to where we were to save me.
"My hero!" I gushed, and wrapped my arms around him. He gave me a weird look and then dropped me on my butt.
"You're weird, man" he said, but couldn't help but laugh. Suddenly, we heard the rubble inside the building begin to move. LucePool was still alive. I glared at 536.
"Can we get out of here now?" I asked.
"The MR says he's moved on anyway, so I guess so."
We all grabbed each other and teleported away. As we did, I heard LucePool screaming.
"I WILL KILL YOU, AVENGER!"
We both looked over at the wall, which had posters all over it. We stared at it and saw they were pictures of what appeared to be heroes, but they were also wresters in other universes. Each one of them had their own unique costume or some sort of superpower visible in the photo. The list included:
EDEN MORGAN: SLAIN
JOHNNY HITMAKER: APPREHENDED
THE ENGINE OF CHAOS: APPREHENDED
TWEEDER: SLAIN
JET SOMERS: SLAIN
OWEN PETERSON: SLAIN
COVERT JAY: SLAIN
TODD THE INTERN: APPREHENDED
EZEKIEL PAX: APPREHENDED
CHAOS: SLAIN
JORDAN KING: SLAIN
MOSS EDWARDS: WANTED
CYPRESS MORGAN: SLAIN
JESSE WILLIAMS: SLAIN
JOHNNY HITMAKER: APPREHENDED
THE ENGINE OF CHAOS: APPREHENDED
TWEEDER: SLAIN
JET SOMERS: SLAIN
OWEN PETERSON: SLAIN
COVERT JAY: SLAIN
TODD THE INTERN: APPREHENDED
EZEKIEL PAX: APPREHENDED
CHAOS: SLAIN
JORDAN KING: SLAIN
MOSS EDWARDS: WANTED
CYPRESS MORGAN: SLAIN
JESSE WILLIAMS: SLAIN
"Oh this is the BAD timeline," I said, whispering at that point. Apparently someone was out here hunting heroes, which meant bad news for the three that just showed up. "We've gotta get out of here," I added.
536 shook his head. "The MR says our villain is here, so we at least need to look around."
Sam Action was busy sifting through the rubble. Maybe he was looking for survivors. Either way, he stopped when we all heard something charging up in the distance. Sam heard it too and immediately dove out of the way as some sort of energy blast fired right at him. It left a smoking hole in the collapsed wall he had been trying to lift up.
"Found you, heroes," a voice said. We looked in the direction it came from and there she was. Another Lucy Wylde.
"Oh great", I said to 536. "You wanted to wait and now look, another Lucy shooting things at us."
536 shook his head. "The MR says our villain is here, so we at least need to look around."
Sam Action was busy sifting through the rubble. Maybe he was looking for survivors. Either way, he stopped when we all heard something charging up in the distance. Sam heard it too and immediately dove out of the way as some sort of energy blast fired right at him. It left a smoking hole in the collapsed wall he had been trying to lift up.
"Found you, heroes," a voice said. We looked in the direction it came from and there she was. Another Lucy Wylde.
"Oh great", I said to 536. "You wanted to wait and now look, another Lucy shooting things at us."
This Lucy was absurdly muscular, like more so than seemed possible. Between that and her giant shoulder pads, I had no idea how she moved. That became a bigger question when I saw her feet. I wasn't like, looking at them but it was hard not to notice. They were flat and misshapen. Like shovels.
She took off her shades to reveal a pair of completely white eyes.
"You lookin' at my feet, pervert?" She said to me, taking a smaller gun out of one of the many, many (many) pouches she had on her outfit. She then took the smaller gun and attached it to the bigger gun. She put her shades back on and raised her gun at us.
"We're not looking for a fight," 536 said. Sam got up and stood next to him, dusting debris from his costume.
"And I was NOT looking at them, I'm a gentleman!" I said, then pointed. "But seriously, LOOK AT THEM! WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE...."
In case you're wondering why that last word is drawn out, it's because as I said it, I was kicked by Shovel Feet about a half a mile, straight into the ruins of a nearby building. This was around the end of 2016, when "What are those" was a popular meme. I probably should have mentioned that at the start, but I'm new to narrating.
She took off her shades to reveal a pair of completely white eyes.
"You lookin' at my feet, pervert?" She said to me, taking a smaller gun out of one of the many, many (many) pouches she had on her outfit. She then took the smaller gun and attached it to the bigger gun. She put her shades back on and raised her gun at us.
"And I was NOT looking at them, I'm a gentleman!" I said, then pointed. "But seriously, LOOK AT THEM! WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE...."
In case you're wondering why that last word is drawn out, it's because as I said it, I was kicked by Shovel Feet about a half a mile, straight into the ruins of a nearby building. This was around the end of 2016, when "What are those" was a popular meme. I probably should have mentioned that at the start, but I'm new to narrating.
As I sat in the building, I tried to make sure I had all my teeth and my jaw was attached. I'm not going to lie, it hurt. But also, you know what it felt like? Like getting hit a shovel. So I was right. I got up and heard talking, so at least the conversation hadn't turned to fighting. It seemed like Sam and 536 were trying to explain that we weren't from here, and once we found the person we're looking for, we'd go. I stumbled forward, when I saw something that might help. As I got closer, I heard more of the conversation.
"...If he does what he wants in this world, you won't even have a world t'do what you're doin', lady!" Sam said, his voice raised.
I glanced over and saw the Lucy smile. "I've heard some stories from you heroes before to try and get out of this. One of you said you were just a clone. The other said you were from another reality where I was dead. One of you tried to carry on another hero's legacy after I broke their back. Point is, I'm not buying it. No more heroes."
Sam rubbed his head in frustration. I was too busy trying to lift the object I found. I was scared, maybe too scared to fight, but this would be the difference maker.
"Who even are you, lady?"
The Lucy variant took off her shades again, which seemed excessive, but so did her everything else. "I'm Lucy Liefeld, better known as the hero assassin LucePool."
"Oh that name is just STUPID," I shouted, and then immediately had to jump out of the way when she landed nearby, trying to crush my head with her stupid donkey feet.
"You say somethin', hero? You want another kick?"
She pulled out an odd, misshapen sword. She then attached it to her gun(s).
"I know you," she said. "You're The Avenger. I'm pretty sure I killed you already." She sounded confident, but for once, so was I.
"No, I just wanted to introduce you to someone. SAY HELLO TO MY NOT REALLY LITTLE FRIEND!"
I then lifted up a BIG HONKIN' GUN (BHG, for short) and aimed it at her. The barrel size the size of LucePool's head. She was outgunned, literally, but was still smiling.
"Did you just find that? I bet it doesn't even work anymore."
I was sweating now, and strongly wishing I brought my brown pants. Not because I did anything, but because I felt like it. Come on, now. I'm not gross like some of you. But I put my hand on the trigger anyway.
"Let's find out!" I said and pressed a button. To both of our surprise, the thing actually began to charge. While she was distracted, and scrambling to stop me, I wondered if I could fire. I don't think I would have. It didn't matter anyway, because this was big enough to be used another way."...If he does what he wants in this world, you won't even have a world t'do what you're doin', lady!" Sam said, his voice raised.
I glanced over and saw the Lucy smile. "I've heard some stories from you heroes before to try and get out of this. One of you said you were just a clone. The other said you were from another reality where I was dead. One of you tried to carry on another hero's legacy after I broke their back. Point is, I'm not buying it. No more heroes."
Sam rubbed his head in frustration. I was too busy trying to lift the object I found. I was scared, maybe too scared to fight, but this would be the difference maker.
"Who even are you, lady?"
The Lucy variant took off her shades again, which seemed excessive, but so did her everything else. "I'm Lucy Liefeld, better known as the hero assassin LucePool."
"Oh that name is just STUPID," I shouted, and then immediately had to jump out of the way when she landed nearby, trying to crush my head with her stupid donkey feet.
"You say somethin', hero? You want another kick?"
She pulled out an odd, misshapen sword. She then attached it to her gun(s).
"I know you," she said. "You're The Avenger. I'm pretty sure I killed you already." She sounded confident, but for once, so was I.
"No, I just wanted to introduce you to someone. SAY HELLO TO MY NOT REALLY LITTLE FRIEND!"
I then lifted up a BIG HONKIN' GUN (BHG, for short) and aimed it at her. The barrel size the size of LucePool's head. She was outgunned, literally, but was still smiling.
"Did you just find that? I bet it doesn't even work anymore."
I was sweating now, and strongly wishing I brought my brown pants. Not because I did anything, but because I felt like it. Come on, now. I'm not gross like some of you. But I put my hand on the trigger anyway.
"SUPERHERO BLUDGEONING!" I shouted, before throwing the giant gun that was half the size at my body at LucePool. She dodged and the gun sailed past her, crashing into a support beam of the building she kicked me in.
I saw it and pointed, but apparently she saw it as a distraction. She charged her own gun.
"Stop making fun of my feet," she said.
I shrugged as the section of ceiling above her started creaking and rattling.
"They're about to match your head," I countered. The ceiling then collapsed on top of her before I jumped out of a window into the waiting arms of Sam, who told me later he was sneaking up to where we were to save me.
"My hero!" I gushed, and wrapped my arms around him. He gave me a weird look and then dropped me on my butt.
"You're weird, man" he said, but couldn't help but laugh. Suddenly, we heard the rubble inside the building begin to move. LucePool was still alive. I glared at 536.
"Can we get out of here now?" I asked.
"The MR says he's moved on anyway, so I guess so."
We all grabbed each other and teleported away. As we did, I heard LucePool screaming.
"I WILL KILL YOU, AVENGER!"
---(A)---
Okay so I know that we're back on the water now, outside of the flashbacks, but I feel like I should answer some questions you might have.
Obviously, I know that this Lucy isn't a dinosaur and isn't some extreme comic book character come to life. I know that, okay? But she's still a Lucy and so far all Lucys have wanted me dead.
"But Vengy, you hugged a villain two issues ago that also wanted you dead."
Did you forget that I was supercharged then? And yeah, I know I'm brave. You have to be in order to defend those that can't defend themselves. If this Lucy was a villain, I'd probably challenge her myself to save UGWC from her evil reign of terror.
But there is no evil reign of terror. This Lucy, as far as I can see, is a good person. She just happens to do really bad things if you make her mad. And considering the track record of other Lucys and others Avenger, why would THIS Avenger want to make THIS Lucy mad?
Do you see where I'm getting at? I'm not...okay, I AM scared, but I also doing see the point of having someone so high above me beating me to death. I don't stand a chance against Lucy. I'm not going to use my superpowers on her, because it's not fair. And as a wrestler, she's way above me. I'm sure the betting odds have her as like a +1000000000 favorite.
So no one thinks I can win this. Not even me. No one except three people.
Hey wait...maybe they aren't betraying me. Maybe they just believe in me?
Well in that case my friends are stupid.
"Did you really have to tell us that whole story?" 536 said, exasperated. "We were there!"
Sam chuckled. "Now he knows how it feels when somebody talks too much."
"I heard that."
"Hey man, I wasn't being quiet!"
I just sat there, feeling once again like I wasn't being taken seriously. I had just expressed my fears to them and gave them very good reasons why I was scared! I sighed, a little louder than a normal sigh, to get attention. I didn't say it was a mature thing to do, but I was very upset.
"But Vengy, you hugged a villain two issues ago that also wanted you dead."
Did you forget that I was supercharged then? And yeah, I know I'm brave. You have to be in order to defend those that can't defend themselves. If this Lucy was a villain, I'd probably challenge her myself to save UGWC from her evil reign of terror.
But there is no evil reign of terror. This Lucy, as far as I can see, is a good person. She just happens to do really bad things if you make her mad. And considering the track record of other Lucys and others Avenger, why would THIS Avenger want to make THIS Lucy mad?
Do you see where I'm getting at? I'm not...okay, I AM scared, but I also doing see the point of having someone so high above me beating me to death. I don't stand a chance against Lucy. I'm not going to use my superpowers on her, because it's not fair. And as a wrestler, she's way above me. I'm sure the betting odds have her as like a +1000000000 favorite.
So no one thinks I can win this. Not even me. No one except three people.
Hey wait...maybe they aren't betraying me. Maybe they just believe in me?
Well in that case my friends are stupid.
---(A)---
"Did you really have to tell us that whole story?" 536 said, exasperated. "We were there!"
Sam chuckled. "Now he knows how it feels when somebody talks too much."
"I heard that."
"Hey man, I wasn't being quiet!"
I just sat there, feeling once again like I wasn't being taken seriously. I had just expressed my fears to them and gave them very good reasons why I was scared! I sighed, a little louder than a normal sigh, to get attention. I didn't say it was a mature thing to do, but I was very upset.
536 had been with me longer than Sam over the past several years, so he knew me better. He turned his attention from my best friend to me.
"Okay Vengy," he said, staying patient. "You're scared of Lucy? Then clearly we've gotta help you get past that."
"In a week?"
"It's not ideal, but I think we can do it."
"Okay Vengy," he said, staying patient. "You're scared of Lucy? Then clearly we've gotta help you get past that."
"In a week?"
"It's not ideal, but I think we can do it."
I got up to my feet and looked at him, confused. "How?" I asked.
"It's called exposure therapy. We've gotta keep putting you around the thing you fear until you are okay with it. Normally it takes longer than a week but...maybe it'll work differently for superheroes."
Sam didn't say anything. He looked like he was lost in thought.
"But how are we gonna..."
Before I could finish my thought, Venge appeared out of nowhere wearing a blonde wig. I jumped a couple of feet and when I landed, grabbed my chest as my heart was racing.
"Where did you even get that?"
"Someone....left their windows down." Venge growled, motioning his head back to the parking lot. That honestly raised more questions but at the time I was trying to avoid having a panic attack. 536 didn't seem to want answers either.
"He's got the idea," he said. "We're going to have to figure out ways to put you around Lucy without putting you around Lucy."
"Okay but he needs to PUT THAT BACK," I said, pointing back at the parking lot. "We don't steal, Venge. We're superheroes."
Venge lowered his head and let the wig fall off, then grabbed it and carried it back to wherever he found it. With all the weirdos on the UGWC roster, I did not want to know whose car he took it from.
Sam didn't say anything. He looked like he was lost in thought.
"But how are we gonna..."
Before I could finish my thought, Venge appeared out of nowhere wearing a blonde wig. I jumped a couple of feet and when I landed, grabbed my chest as my heart was racing.
"Where did you even get that?"
"Someone....left their windows down." Venge growled, motioning his head back to the parking lot. That honestly raised more questions but at the time I was trying to avoid having a panic attack. 536 didn't seem to want answers either.
"He's got the idea," he said. "We're going to have to figure out ways to put you around Lucy without putting you around Lucy."
"Okay but he needs to PUT THAT BACK," I said, pointing back at the parking lot. "We don't steal, Venge. We're superheroes."
Venge lowered his head and let the wig fall off, then grabbed it and carried it back to wherever he found it. With all the weirdos on the UGWC roster, I did not want to know whose car he took it from.
---(A)---
The 'exposure therapy' that Smart Me mentioned didn't last long. Maybe I didn't give it a chance. But in order to explain why, I think we're going to need another flashback.
Hey!
You get back here and finish the story!
Anyway, Synergy was Monday, so on Tuesday, I was called to a gym somewhere in Baltimore by my friends. After helping a kid get a cat out of a tree, and getting my third best outfit ruined by the cat's scratches, I headed there. As I walked inside, Venge popped out of a trash can, once again wearing a blonde wig.
"DIE AVENGER! I'M DAAAAARRRRRK!" He howled.
"I thought we told you to put that back!"
"I got another one," he admitted. "Goodwill."
I rolled my eyes and went inside, where my other two friends were waiting for me. There was no wrestling ring here, so instead the pair had several blue mats laid out. They were very nervous about something.
"Okay," I said. "What's the big idea?"
536 stepped forward. "We decided to get you a sparring partner. We had to spend a LOT of money..."
"Basically all of your UGWC backpay," Sam added. I'm not sure how they got access to that but it's not like I cared about money.
"But we got someone who is a dead ringer for Lucy Wylde. Vengy, it's time to face your fear."
You get back here and finish the story!
Anyway, Synergy was Monday, so on Tuesday, I was called to a gym somewhere in Baltimore by my friends. After helping a kid get a cat out of a tree, and getting my third best outfit ruined by the cat's scratches, I headed there. As I walked inside, Venge popped out of a trash can, once again wearing a blonde wig.
"DIE AVENGER! I'M DAAAAARRRRRK!" He howled.
"I thought we told you to put that back!"
"I got another one," he admitted. "Goodwill."
I rolled my eyes and went inside, where my other two friends were waiting for me. There was no wrestling ring here, so instead the pair had several blue mats laid out. They were very nervous about something.
"Okay," I said. "What's the big idea?"
536 stepped forward. "We decided to get you a sparring partner. We had to spend a LOT of money..."
"Basically all of your UGWC backpay," Sam added. I'm not sure how they got access to that but it's not like I cared about money.
"But we got someone who is a dead ringer for Lucy Wylde. Vengy, it's time to face your fear."
The doors on the opposite end of the gym opened and two big, burly guys stepped out. Beside them was a woman that many would claim looks a lot like Lucy Wylde. Same color of hair. Same body frame. Same sense of style maybe. And somehow she accepted a lot of money to show up to a gym in Baltimore.
Taylor Momsen of the Pretty Reckless had arrived.
I was shocked, to say the least. After all, she's pretty famous. Plus she's friends with the Grinch.
"Okay, where's the Make-A-Wish kid?" She asked, and I gave an accusing stare back at my friends.
536 defensively held his arms up. "All we did was pay an appearance fee!"
Suddenly, Venge popped up from behind us, still wearing the wig. "IT WAS ME", he hissed. We really have to get that guy some help. The rock star in the room seemed unfazed, but she probably saw worse at concerts.
Taylor Momsen of the Pretty Reckless had arrived.
I was shocked, to say the least. After all, she's pretty famous. Plus she's friends with the Grinch.
"Okay, where's the Make-A-Wish kid?" She asked, and I gave an accusing stare back at my friends.
536 defensively held his arms up. "All we did was pay an appearance fee!"
Suddenly, Venge popped up from behind us, still wearing the wig. "IT WAS ME", he hissed. We really have to get that guy some help. The rock star in the room seemed unfazed, but she probably saw worse at concerts.
Sam stepped forward. "I'm not really sure who you are because I'm not from here, but my pal here needs to face his fears of someone and you look a lot like her. So we paid your people and here you are. Go confront her, Vengy."
One of Taylor's security detail stepped forward and I didn't blame him. I guess I was the only one who knew how Earth #616 worked.
"Guys," I began. "You can't just...trick people into working for you because they may or may not look like somebody."
"I am so confused," she replied. "But Halloween was yesterday guys. The costumes and the tricks are kinda lame."
536 protested. "Come on Vengy, just look at her. She looks just like Lucy! Exposure therapy!"
I turned back to her and looked at her for a moment. She stared back at me and she was frustrated, but I didn't get the sense she wanted to murder me. Sue me, maybe, but that was our fault. But more importantly...
"Eh, I don't see it. Sorry, Ms. Momsen."
536 and Sam both shouted at the same time, "WHAT?!"
I scratched my head, Taylor rolled her eyes and walked off, clearly done with all of this. I turned around and crossed my arms at my friends.
"She is the spitting image of Lucy!" 536 said loudly, practically screaming.
"The spittin' image, man!" Sam added.
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS!" Taylor shouted as she walked off. I held my arms up, as if that proved my point.
One of Taylor's security detail stepped forward and I didn't blame him. I guess I was the only one who knew how Earth #616 worked.
"Guys," I began. "You can't just...trick people into working for you because they may or may not look like somebody."
"I am so confused," she replied. "But Halloween was yesterday guys. The costumes and the tricks are kinda lame."
536 protested. "Come on Vengy, just look at her. She looks just like Lucy! Exposure therapy!"
I turned back to her and looked at her for a moment. She stared back at me and she was frustrated, but I didn't get the sense she wanted to murder me. Sue me, maybe, but that was our fault. But more importantly...
"Eh, I don't see it. Sorry, Ms. Momsen."
536 and Sam both shouted at the same time, "WHAT?!"
I scratched my head, Taylor rolled her eyes and walked off, clearly done with all of this. I turned around and crossed my arms at my friends.
"She is the spitting image of Lucy!" 536 said loudly, practically screaming.
"The spittin' image, man!" Sam added.
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS!" Taylor shouted as she walked off. I held my arms up, as if that proved my point.
"Look, I appreciate you guys trying, but this was kind of a dumb plan. You have to get somebody who looks like a Lucy Wylde, you know? Taylor is WAY prettier. And besides, also, I never agreed to do any of this anyway! And I never agreed to a match with her! You guys did! You guys did it all! Why? Because apparently you're mad at me for something. So here's what's going to happen...I'm going to leave. And I'm not coming back until NEXT Tuesday, after the show is over, because I LIKE BEING ALIVE."
I left my friends standing there as I stormed out.
---
And that's how I wound up out here. Adrift at sea. Marooned on the great blue waters. No hope of every making it back to civilization. I may try to catch a fish soon, I don't know.
My vessel? I found a couch on the shore. I have no idea how it got there, but it looked like it had been used before. Smelled like alcohol and gunpowder. But she was seaworthy, so the SS Waves of Fun is now sailing the waters.
If you find this, it means I'm still out here, maybe. In fact, I'm tired of writing.
And that's how I wound up out here. Adrift at sea. Marooned on the great blue waters. No hope of every making it back to civilization. I may try to catch a fish soon, I don't know.
My vessel? I found a couch on the shore. I have no idea how it got there, but it looked like it had been used before. Smelled like alcohol and gunpowder. But she was seaworthy, so the SS Waves of Fun is now sailing the waters.
If you find this, it means I'm still out here, maybe. In fact, I'm tired of writing.
"You around, narrator?" Vengy asked, and to his surprise, the narrator's voice returned in his head.
"Oh, neat. How was your vacation?"
It was fine, Vengy. Seems like you are having one.
"I have marooned myself on the tempestuous sea! It's just me against the elements, a man battling nature! Finally I can..."
"VENGY!"
Sam shouted at our hero from the shore as his sofa bobbed and rocked in the waters of the Patapsco River. He wasn't in the ocean. The Avenger was floating in a river.
Once again Sam shouted, and in the distance, his other two friends were waiting by an RV they purchased recently. The Avenger rolled his eyes and paddled the sofa back to the river's edge. He got out of the water and joined his best friend.
"I would have made it to the Cheasepeake Bay eventually!" Vengy protested.
"Oh, neat. How was your vacation?"
It was fine, Vengy. Seems like you are having one.
"I have marooned myself on the tempestuous sea! It's just me against the elements, a man battling nature! Finally I can..."
"VENGY!"
Sam shouted at our hero from the shore as his sofa bobbed and rocked in the waters of the Patapsco River. He wasn't in the ocean. The Avenger was floating in a river.
Once again Sam shouted, and in the distance, his other two friends were waiting by an RV they purchased recently. The Avenger rolled his eyes and paddled the sofa back to the river's edge. He got out of the water and joined his best friend.
"I would have made it to the Cheasepeake Bay eventually!" Vengy protested.
Sam looked at the entire situation, confused. "You've been gone 24 hours. You're lucky your phone still had that tracking thing. I think that's shady as hell but Smart You says it helped us find you."
"Oh, I see." Vengy grumbled. "Had to get me back to face my execution...well I ain't going!" He crossed his arms and pouted. He then glared upward at the narrator for pointing out his pouting.
Sam sighed.
"Vengy, do you really think, after all we've been through, that I would put you in a situation where you might get hurt? I am not as smart as that genius up there, but I been around the block a time or two, know what I mean?"
Vengy stopped pouting and nodded.
"We all believe in you. I mean sh---shoot, man. You traveled the entire multiverse to find me. You kicked a robot in the face. You fought a lion. You sang a dang musical number and stopped some kinda demon. Just to save me. I been rackin' my brain tryin' to figure out how to pay you back and this was it. Because we know how great you are and some of those people know how great you are, but you know who doesn't?"
Our hero shook his head.
"YOU DON'T," Sam said sternly. "You help so many people and now with you being afraid, let us help you. Let us teach you that you ain't gotta be scared. You ain't gotta doubt yourself. You can go out there, face the most dangerous opponent you can think of and make HER believe who the hell you are. THAT is why we did this, man. We believe in The Avenger."
Sam paused a moment, thought about what he wanted to say, then added a last bit.
"And I believe in my best friend."
Vengy lowered his head, ashamed of himself for being so scared, but thankful of his friends now that he understood where they were coming from. And then, to his surprise, Sam hugged him. Vengy accepted it and then looked at his best friend. He loved him, he truly did.
"All she can do is beat you, Vengy, and if she does, I'll be right there to pick you back up."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
Our hero then looked down at the letter had been writing.
"Do you mind if I write a little more? I have a little more to say."
Sam nodded then walked back to the others. Vengy sat back down and wrote.
Who am I to challenge Lucy Wylde? Who does The Avenger think he is? She's a first-ballot Hall of Famer. She's held the UGWC World title a bunch of times. Even if she doesn't want to kill you, Vengy, she's going to hurt you bad to keep her Chaos title. Who do you think you are, stepping into a match with someone with her talent? You should be terrified.
Any critics who have ever said anything bad about me are never meaner to me than I've ever been to myself. And yeah, I'm scared of Lucy Wylde. I'll be scared of her the second that bell rings and it might hurt my chances.
But you know what? I'm going to go in there and try anyway. That's what bravery is. Bravery is knowing you're scared and stepping up anyway because you're the only one who can. Maybe I'm not the challenger you think I am, UGWC. Maybe Lucy is overlooking me. Maybe she hasn't thought about me at all. But you know what I say to that?
Good!
Everyone always ignores good ol' Vengy and you know what I do, Citizens? I step up. Who am I to challenge Lucy Wylde? I am a superhero! I am a former champion in UGWC! I beat Matt Knox in ten seconds this year!
More importantly, the people that care about me believe in me! And they'll be there for me no matter what happens. What happens to you, Lucy, when you go in there against someone most people in UGWC dismiss and you end up being pushed to limits you didn't know you had? What happens if you go in there and lose?
What if...my green light outshines your darkness, lady?
I don't know how this match is going to go. I might get beat up. I will probably be scared. But here's what I can promise. This Lucy Wylde is going to get the best version of this Avenger and I am going to face my fears. And then? I might just walk out of Keeper of the Keys as the new Chaos champion.
If my friends believe in me, if the Citizens of the Coalition believe in me, then darn it, I'm going to believe in myself!
And you know what, Lucy?
You're going to believe in me too.
The Avenger, still scared and perhaps still a little unsure of himself, got to his feet with a newfound sense of resolve. Our hero was no longer in a rut, Citizens. In fact, he once again felt a familiar feeling. The uncertainty and anxiety that used to come from exploring the multiverse returned.
And with it, his excitement.
Vengy reached into his utility belt and pulled out a small bottle with letters "UGWC" drawn on it. He stuffed his papers inside the bottle, his entire story, then tossed it into the river. He wondered if the people in charge of the company would be able to find it or not. He hoped that someone got his message in a bottle.
"Great, now that song is in my head," he grumbled, muttering to himself as he walked away. The bottle drifted off and was carried downstream.
"Oh, I see." Vengy grumbled. "Had to get me back to face my execution...well I ain't going!" He crossed his arms and pouted. He then glared upward at the narrator for pointing out his pouting.
Sam sighed.
"Vengy, do you really think, after all we've been through, that I would put you in a situation where you might get hurt? I am not as smart as that genius up there, but I been around the block a time or two, know what I mean?"
Vengy stopped pouting and nodded.
"We all believe in you. I mean sh---shoot, man. You traveled the entire multiverse to find me. You kicked a robot in the face. You fought a lion. You sang a dang musical number and stopped some kinda demon. Just to save me. I been rackin' my brain tryin' to figure out how to pay you back and this was it. Because we know how great you are and some of those people know how great you are, but you know who doesn't?"
Our hero shook his head.
"YOU DON'T," Sam said sternly. "You help so many people and now with you being afraid, let us help you. Let us teach you that you ain't gotta be scared. You ain't gotta doubt yourself. You can go out there, face the most dangerous opponent you can think of and make HER believe who the hell you are. THAT is why we did this, man. We believe in The Avenger."
Sam paused a moment, thought about what he wanted to say, then added a last bit.
"And I believe in my best friend."
Vengy lowered his head, ashamed of himself for being so scared, but thankful of his friends now that he understood where they were coming from. And then, to his surprise, Sam hugged him. Vengy accepted it and then looked at his best friend. He loved him, he truly did.
"All she can do is beat you, Vengy, and if she does, I'll be right there to pick you back up."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
Our hero then looked down at the letter had been writing.
"Do you mind if I write a little more? I have a little more to say."
Sam nodded then walked back to the others. Vengy sat back down and wrote.
Who am I to challenge Lucy Wylde? Who does The Avenger think he is? She's a first-ballot Hall of Famer. She's held the UGWC World title a bunch of times. Even if she doesn't want to kill you, Vengy, she's going to hurt you bad to keep her Chaos title. Who do you think you are, stepping into a match with someone with her talent? You should be terrified.
Any critics who have ever said anything bad about me are never meaner to me than I've ever been to myself. And yeah, I'm scared of Lucy Wylde. I'll be scared of her the second that bell rings and it might hurt my chances.
But you know what? I'm going to go in there and try anyway. That's what bravery is. Bravery is knowing you're scared and stepping up anyway because you're the only one who can. Maybe I'm not the challenger you think I am, UGWC. Maybe Lucy is overlooking me. Maybe she hasn't thought about me at all. But you know what I say to that?
Good!
Everyone always ignores good ol' Vengy and you know what I do, Citizens? I step up. Who am I to challenge Lucy Wylde? I am a superhero! I am a former champion in UGWC! I beat Matt Knox in ten seconds this year!
More importantly, the people that care about me believe in me! And they'll be there for me no matter what happens. What happens to you, Lucy, when you go in there against someone most people in UGWC dismiss and you end up being pushed to limits you didn't know you had? What happens if you go in there and lose?
What if...my green light outshines your darkness, lady?
I don't know how this match is going to go. I might get beat up. I will probably be scared. But here's what I can promise. This Lucy Wylde is going to get the best version of this Avenger and I am going to face my fears. And then? I might just walk out of Keeper of the Keys as the new Chaos champion.
If my friends believe in me, if the Citizens of the Coalition believe in me, then darn it, I'm going to believe in myself!
And you know what, Lucy?
You're going to believe in me too.
The Avenger, still scared and perhaps still a little unsure of himself, got to his feet with a newfound sense of resolve. Our hero was no longer in a rut, Citizens. In fact, he once again felt a familiar feeling. The uncertainty and anxiety that used to come from exploring the multiverse returned.
And with it, his excitement.
Vengy reached into his utility belt and pulled out a small bottle with letters "UGWC" drawn on it. He stuffed his papers inside the bottle, his entire story, then tossed it into the river. He wondered if the people in charge of the company would be able to find it or not. He hoped that someone got his message in a bottle.
"Great, now that song is in my head," he grumbled, muttering to himself as he walked away. The bottle drifted off and was carried downstream.