All-New Avenger #5: Vengyana Jones and the Mystical Cards of Yule
LAST TIME IN ALL-NEW AVENGER:
The Avenger came in, wearing his UGWC Chaos Championship, and titled his head in confusion. He was counting quarters.
"You sleep?" our hero asked. Yes, Vengy, I do.
"Weird. I took Larry out on patrol! And then we played Simpsons Arcade. And then I might have challenged six other people to come after my title."
Wait, what?
"Wow" Vengy exclaimed. "You really were out of it!"
The Avenger is a generous hero, and one who believes in helping others. So dear readers, one can only imagine what would have possessed him to put his newly-one title on the line against all comers.
"I'm a fighting champion!" Vengy said. "Besides, I've got a plan!"
YOU'VE got a plan?
Vengy nodded. "Yep! Christmas cards!"
Wait....WHAT?!
ALL-NEW AVENGER, ISSUE #5:
"Run this by me again," Smart Avenger, better known as #536, said, completely exasperated. The four Avenger variants were out to eat following that night's UGWC Synergy. "You gave a title shot to Konrad Raab."
The Avenger sat on one side of the booth in the Hacienda, scooping a particularly large jalapeño with his tortilla chip. Before stuffing it in his mouth, he simply nodded. "Yep!"
"And Larry Tact. And Phrixus Deimos. And Lucy Wylde. And Ezra Wolf. And Jess."
Avenger took a big gulp of his soda and shook his head. "No, it's A Boy Named Jess. You gotta say the whole thing!"
Sam, who had been sitting next to #536, practicing his Twitter game, put his phone down and looked up. "Why?"
Vengy cheerfully shrugged. "I have no idea!"
He then shoved more nachos inside his mouth.
#536 sighed. "I think he meant, why did you give a title shot to six people at once?"
Sam looked over and shook his head. "Nah, I definitely meant the other thing. Why 'A Boy Named Jess'? It's a mouthful, man."
The Smart Avenger was the only one who was focused on the situation at hand. He waved his hands in front of Vengy to get his attention, as our hero was dealing with his own mouthful of refried beans.
"Six opponents at once is a lot, Vengy. And one of them is Lucy!"
Vengy pointed at his smarter variant. "But it was you guys that told me not to be afraid of her!"
Sam, who was now paying attention, joined in. "Yeah, but we didn't tell you to keep throwing yourself into danger.
Vengy pouted, his eyes briefly shifting upward at the narrator for accusing him of pouting. "I'm not a fake hero," he muttered under his breath.
"What?"
He repeated himself, "I said I'm NOT a fake hero!"
"Who said you were?"
The Avenger, who was remembering the hurtful words of Konrad Raab, decided not to elaborate. He couldn't believe there could be someone out there that was that cynical and cruel. And our hero met an entity that wanted to destroy everything.
"Nobody," Vengy muttered again, using a chip to scoop up some guacamole. "Just forget it."
Smart Avenger sighed and got up to pay the bill. Sam sighed and put away his phone.
"You know we want the best for you, Vengy. We just think you might be doing more than you can handle."
"Well I'm in it now. And it's not like I can just send them all magical Christmas cards to make the problem go away."
"PERHAPS YOU CAN, YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER!"
The two had been talking for so long that they didn’t notice the old man walk up to their table. He was impossibly skinny, which you could see because his Avenger shirt was hanging off of him. At least it looked like an Avenger shirt, as his large white beard got in the way. If he weren’t so skinny, he might look familiar. As it was, he was simply a homeless vagrant, from the looks of him.
"Do people really say 'whippersnapper' anymore?" Sam said, amused.
"Hello, Citizen," Avenger replied, then pointed to his shirt. "I see that you are a fan!"
The old man seemed confused, so Vengy didn't continue. Sam looked at him and spoke up instead.
“Hey man, do you need some money or somethin’? We can help you out.”
Vengy nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah! That’s what we do!”
As if on cue, #536 returned, counting their change. He stared at the old man, who had not stopped staring at Vengy.
“Who’s this?”
“It’s so weird seeing it from this side young fellows. Oh…What a jolly good time it is to see you like this. I’m reminded of many a great seasons with you when I was you.” The skinny old man reached out and hugged Avenger, but he hugged him as our Avenger always does. The same way he hugged Zealot.
“THE VOICE! Oh! How I’ve missed that voice! I remember this…this moment…this moment. Oh it’s all coming back. All the adventures. Everything. It must have worked. And…”
He ran over to Sam and hugged him. Sam sort of shoved him off as politely as possible, as the old man ran over and hugged Smart Avenger. Smart Avenger looked even more puzzled as he came back to our hero and looked at him.
“Today…is the day…you prove everyone right or wrong about you! I know what you wish for this season, my boy. You wanna prove yourself. Well, you are gonna do it…one way or the other.”
This convoluted mess of a…
” HEY! Be nice…Would it kill you to be nice every once in a while to him. Look at him. He is your purpose after all. Without him, you’re just another figureless voice that fills in the gaps. You could be stuck doing commercials, you know.”
Well…that’s…sorta poignant. Vengy looks at the old man still confused for a moment, but then Vengy got an idea…an awful idea.
“I think I know who you are!” Vengy exclaimed, getting more excited than either Sam or #536, who hadn’t put it together.
“Oh ho ho I knew you were a sm…”
“It’s me from the future!” There is a slight look of disappointment on the face of the old man, but then he smiles and shrugs. “So do we call you Granpa Vengy? Pop Pop Vengy?”
As this is uttered, Sam and Smart Venger mouth out ‘Pop Pop Vengy?’ The old man laughs. His non-existent body shakes like a thimble of jelly.
“You can just call me a friend, for right now, me boy.” The old man said with a twinkle in his eye, or maybe it was the dementia, in either case, Vengy believed that this old man was truly himself from the future. “And I know right now this is your moment of truth. The call to adventure has sounded again for you and I have a way to make sure you are up to your upcoming challengers for your title.”
The sky slightly darkened for a moment. Vengy turned to you, the reader. Don’t do it Vengy, the fourth wall is too delicate!
“Nice Touch.”
As the cloud darkens we hear a slight thunderclap as the old man holds out his hands. “Hidden far away are The Mystical Cards of Yule! These ancient magical talismans will aid you in defeating all of your foes. The Mystical Cards of Yule are hidden within an ancient temple hidden amongst the mortals here. All six cards together will prove that you are a champion and give you the wish you so seek. Proving your worth. However, like any quest worth its snowflakes you must survive the traps of the temple.You must venture quickly to the temple before it’s too late.”
“Too late for what, older me?” Vengy asked, transfixed by the story.
“Because if this darn rainstorm kicks up before you get there, you’ll get wet. Sadly, I cannot go with you, and you will have to find a passage on your own.”
“This is gonna take a long time?”
“Trust me…you would be surprised how many people’s lives you can help in just one day. Imagine what you could do with just a little bit of time.” The older man smiles as the group heads off towards...the outskirts of Tangier? MOROCCO? How are they even gonna get there?
Vengy looked skyward.
“It’s okay…I know a guy.”
"YEAAAAAAHHH!"
Vengy, Sam and #536 were all on the Falcor, the airship of fellow UGWC personality and one-time Team Avenger roommate, Captain 80s. The other two were mostly surprised that such a monstrosity existed, but Vengy seemed pretty nonplussed by the entire thing. He was wearing a fedora, and we're not quite sure where he got it.
"Thanks for the ride, Cap! I dunno how we would have gotten to Tangier by nightfall!"
It was very unlikely our hero could have gotten out of Maryland by then, as they left at 6 PM. Luckily, the Falcor was faster than she looked.
"NO PROBLEM FELLOW HERO. BUT THE CAPTAIN CAN'T TALK AND DRIVE THE FALCOR AT THE SAME TIME. WE MIGHT WIND UP IN CZECHOSLOVAKIA!"
#536 walked up and asked the same question anyone might ask if they looked at a map made after the early 90s.
"Does he know that's not a country anymore?"
"Well don't tell him! I don't want to crash and end up there!"
Luckily, they were nearing the end of their journey, as the Falcor made its way over the skies of the coast of the Mediterranean sea. They landed in an uninhabited section of beach, where there just happened to be a narrow cave.
"Is that it? Vengy asked. It seemed almost too convenient, as if it were magically placed there by some sentient being that had the ability to do anything. But those didn't exist in this universe, and nobody had multiverse travel as far as our heroes knew.
"I agree, narrator!"
536 walked up behind him. "You agree about what?"
Vengy shrugged. "This seems too easy!"
"YEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
They had actually forgotten for a moment the Captain was there. He was surprisingly silent for a few moments. Sam took out his earplugs.
"Do you always yell, my man?"
"FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS STORY I DO!"
Vengy shook his head. "Oh no, you are not becoming aware of the fourth wall. You stay here."
The Captain seemed a little saddened by this at first, but because nothing ever seems to faze him, he quickly got over it. Our heroes stepped down from the airship and onto the sandy beach, which was surprisingly cold for this area of the world in the middle of the evening. Vengy threw on a suede jacket, another item of clothing we swear he didn't have with him before.
"Doesn't anybody believe I'm capable of packing for a trip?" Vengy said, exasperated. The three approached the narrow opening of the cave and stared at it. It was the Smart Avenger that spoke up.
"Are we really going to go inside of this random cave in the middle of the Africa to grab some mystical artifact a homeless guy told us about?"
"I got an answer for that," Sam said. "Vengy, would you have went without us?"
"I mean, I wouldn't want to, but probably."
Sam turned and glared at #536, as if to say, 'see?'
"Okay," the Smart Avenger said. Vengy was being very headstrong after his win over Lucy Wylde, something they had been trying to talk to him about before this quest was dropped in their laps like a mysterious Christmas gift. "Let's just go in and get this done, then."
They each squeezed through the crevice into the cave: Sam, then #536, then Vengy. As our hero got through, he looked at his more intelligent and now more muscular friend.
"You know, you wouldn't have been able to do this when you were Fat Me, Smart Me."
#536 seemed irritated. "What's your point?"
"Oh, nothing," Vengy mused. "Just proud of you."
When they got inside, they maneuvered through a tunnel that would make even the slightest claustrophobia turn around and leave. But somehow it was like they were able to squeeze through. It seemed more narrow than a chimney, but they did it. Finally, they got through another opening, leading to a more narrow area deep in the Jebel es Slokia mountain.
And standing before them was a door, behind a series of stones. Vengy almost ran forward but Sam and #536 grabbed him by the collar of his jacket.
"What?"
"Come on man," Sam said. "Ain't you ever played Uncharted?"
Sam moved his left foot forward and pressed a stone down. A tone rang out. Suddenly, there was a whistling noise and several candy canes flew past them and embedded themselves in a wall.
"CANDY CANES?"
Yes, candy canes.
"That's absurd," Vengy said. He pressed his right foot out and stepped on an alternate stone, which gave a different tone, almost musical. When he did, a panel on the ceiling opened and a large Nutcracker head poked out.
"KRINGLE-MA!" it shouted, and breathed flames down in the general area. Our heroes jumped back, narrowly avoiding the fire.
"SEASONS GREETINGS!" Vengy shouted, glad that his cape was tucked inside of his jacket.
536 stroked his chin, trying to process everything.
"I'm sorry, but this is weird. Even for us. We found a legendary hidden temple in the middle of Africa...and it's Christmas themed? Who put this here? Why?"
Sam shook his head. "I don't know, but...VENGY DON'T!"
Our hero had decided to wriggle free and leaped forward onto a stone with one foot, which happened to have an etching that resembled a snowflake. A more melodic tone played, but nothing else tried to kill them.
"Ha! I knew it!"
The other two were bewildered.
"See, you guys are smarter than me with a lot of stuff, but you know what I know? CHRISTMAS!"
They looked at each other, and #536 asked what they were both thinking.
"How does that apply here?"
"The stones make music! But you have to do them in a certain order. Which order? The ones with the snowflakes! Watch!"
Both Sam and #536 reached out again, but Vengy was already rushing into danger. He hopped from snowflake stone to snowflake stone, each producing its own chime.
That's when the door began to open. All of the stones sank inward now, making it safe for travel.
"No way," 536 said.
"No [bleep]ing way," Sam added.
"Yep!" Vengy grinned as he made his way to the next opening. "JINGLE BELLS! Come on!"
Before they could protest, Vengy was already through the door. After taking a moment to make sure it was safe, his friends followed.
Inside the other room, it was mostly empty. There were no traps. There were no secret floor panels. In fact, the only thing there was in the back of the room, lit up by the Christmas lights that hung from the ceiling. Vengy was already sprinting ahead.
"Vengy, WAIT!" Sam shouted, but our hero was too far ahead. Sam decided to run after him. #536 stayed behind to catch his breath. His cardio was still an issue.
Avenger and Sam arrived together, not long after one another, to a podium with a weight. On top of that weight...a bag of six gold plates.
"The Mystical Cards of Yule!" Vengy nearly squealed with delight. "We did it!"
He reached for them and Sam grabbed his wrist, firmly. Enough to hurt.
"Ow! Let go, Sam! What are you doing?"
"Vengy," Sam said. "You gotta slow down. When we said not to be afraid of Lucy, we didn't mean not be afraid of anything. Sometimes fear is good. You can't be..."
Vengy yanked his hand away and frowned.
"Do you really think I lost my mind because I beat Lucy?" His stare at his friend was almost accusatory. He turned back to the Mystical Cards and didn't give Sam a chance to speak. "Besides, I know how this thing works too."
He reached into his jacket and pulled out a stack of Magic the Gathering cards.
"Oh Venge is gonna be real mad you took those."
"I'll get him new ones."
With that, Vengy quickly placed the magic cards onto the weighted panel and tried to pull the bag free. However...something was holding it. Vengy ripped the cloth away to reveal each card was attached to a thin chain. Thin, but surprisingly strong. He yanked on it. At first it wouldn't budge, so he tried again. That's when something clicked and a droning "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" was heard in the temple.
"Vengy, you gotta stop."
Vengy tried again. Another click. Another drone. "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
"VENGY!"
Vengy spun around on his heels and faced his friend. "LET ME DO THIS!" he shouted. "Let me do this one thing! I'm tired of being laughed at, I'm tired of being called fake. I'm tired of people pretending I can't do things! Beating Lucy did nothing, so LET ME DO THIS."
Vengy yanked one more time, and the chains finally seemed to give a little...until they stopped. Then there was another click. Another "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." Then, something else.
The ceiling began to open up and there was a rumbling sound above them. They saw what the cause of the noise was.
A giant, round Christmas tree ball.
"Vengy..." Sam started. "Let's get the hell up outta here!"
"But the Mystical Ca..."
"FORGET THE [BLEEP]ING CARDS!" Sam said and yanked his friend forward. Vengy's hand slipped off the golden plates and they went back into position, but it was too late. The ball had begun to roll. Sam and Vengy ran with everything they had in them, as the ball rolled down from the ceiling and began to chase them, making up ground. #536, who had elected not to follow, was already on the other side of the door where it was safe.
"COME ON!" he shouted. They didn't argue. Our heroes both leaped the door opening just in time as the ball smashed against it. It was surprisingly sturdy, and did not break.
Vengy and Sam were sprawled on the ground, where he had just played a rudimentary 'Jingle Bells' earlier. Sam sat next to him.
"Well, we're alive," Vengy said. "And I failed. Again."
Sam pushed himself up to his knees.
"What the hell was that about, man?" He said. "What's all this fake nonsense that got you tryin' to get yourself killed?"
Vengy sighed.
"Konrad Raab," he said.
The other two rolled their eyes, as they had noticed Vengy getting irritated in the UGWC chat room. Neither said anything, because even their naive best friend needed some space every once in a while.
"He said I was a fake superhero. Said I couldn't do anything right. Said that I only helped people to get them to like me and that I lied about all my exploits. I just...if I send him one of these cards, and everyone else..."
"You'd prove you're not a joke?" #536 asked.
Vengy nodded.
Sam put a hand on his friend's back.
"Vengy, the only problem you ever had was that you care too much. It means you help all kinds of people. But like I tried to tell you before, man. Some people don't want your help. Some people need more help than you can give them. And some people need to be smacked upside the head, you feel me?"
Vengy nodded again.
"The only person you need to prove anything to is yourself. And if I remember right, you #BelieveInVengy."
"It's actually #IBelieveinVengy", he said quietly.
"Same thing."
#536 helped both his friends up.
"Come on guys, let's go home. I think we need to teach Vengy how to kick Konrad Raab in his dumb face."
Sam muttered some swear word under his breath, just out of Vengy's earshot.
"Either he will or I will," he added.
Avenger and crew found themselves back on the airship, with his friends sitting away from Captain 80s. After all, the Captain had to drive and it was going to be a long trip back to Baltimore on the Falcor.
Vengy walked up to the Cap anyway.
"DID YOU FIND THE PRIZE YOU WERE LOOKING FOR?"
"No, we lost it." Vengy said, then shrugged his shoulders. "Turns out, exploring ancient temples full of death traps is a dangerous hobby...who knew?"
The Captain said nothing.
"Anyway, I think I'll send my opponents Christmas cards anyway. It's a nice thing to do. They just won't be the 'Mystical Cards of Yule.'"
"DID YOU SAY MYSTICAL CARDS OF YULE?"
The Avenger tilted his head.
"Yes?"
"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! I HAVE SOME OF THOSE!"
The Captain then pointed towards a lockbox on the other side of the ship, which didn't live up to its name because it wasn't actually locked. The Avenger shrugged again and walked to the box. When he opened it, he found cards. They didn't seem very special, and in fact seemed very old.
But if the Captain was offering...
With that, our hero got to writing cards to people he was sure would be ungrateful for them.
Vengy decided to write to Ezra Wolf next.
Lucy Wylde was next, and Vengy had to steel himself for a moment before writing. He knew he had no reason to be scared of her, but that didn't make her any less of a worthy opponent.
They teach accountability in therapy, and that's clearly something you don't know anything about. But don't worry, Citizen. I will teach you how to be accountable when I deliver the swift foot of #JUSTICE! Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year where hopefully you try to be a better person in 2024!
Somewhere, near a Hacienda in Baltimore, an old man with an Avenger t-shirt began chuckling to himself as he walked into an alley.
"Heh, heh, heh...HO HO HO!"
On the other side of the alley, in a parking lot that had long been abandoned at this time, a single reindeer and sleigh stood waiting. It looked like it hadn't been there long, as The Avenger's friend, Santa Claus, emerged from the darkness.
"Are you ready, Blitzen?"
Blitzen snorted and then began to act agitated. Santa looked around, unable to detect any danger.
In the alley, two large men with bunny masks began to move closer.