AvengerVerse, Volume 2, Issue 4: Adventures in Babysitting
LAST TIME IN THE AVENGERVERSE:
"I was going to get to them," he lied, before glancing at the written words and becoming irritated. "That wasn't a lie! Superheroes do NOT lie."
Anyway, after it was over, Santa (yes, that Santa. Didn't you read the Christmas special?) left him very special instructions on which universe to go to in order to find Sam Action, who the Avenger has a special relationship with.
"Well yeah, he's my best friend."
You sure it's not anything...more?
"Can we get to the story? Unless you want to explain why we're keeping the Christmas special narrative style?" Avenger asked. The narrator agreed, even if he thought Avenger's deflection was kind of shady.
"STOP IT!"
Fine.
AVENGERVERSE: Volume 2, Issue 4
ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING
"What do you mean, you know where Sam is?"
The Avenger from Earth #536 sat up on the floor, where had been sleeping, and eyed his #616 counterpart suspiciously. Our hero held the multiversal remote in his face, as well as a note from Santa Claus. Now the larger Avenger was even more suspicious.
"Did...you write this note?"
"No, Santa did. Or he used Christmas magic, but that seems like a silly thing to do magically."
Avenger #536 looked at him again, unsure if he was the target of some weird practical joke or not. Our hero simply sighed.
"You gotta be kidding me," he muttered, before raising his voice a bit. "You mean you don't remember either?"
"Remember what?" Avenger #536 asked.
"Did...you write this note?"
"No, Santa did. Or he used Christmas magic, but that seems like a silly thing to do magically."
Avenger #536 looked at him again, unsure if he was the target of some weird practical joke or not. Our hero simply sighed.
"You gotta be kidding me," he muttered, before raising his voice a bit. "You mean you don't remember either?"
"Remember what?" Avenger #536 asked.
"We saved Christmas!" The Avenger exclaimed. "You posed as Santa while I led a heist to free him from Krampus, who really wasn't a Krampus, but the evil version of a nice person in this universe! And then he sent us back here with his magic!"
536 got to his feet and kept his eyes on Avenger. It seemed that even in a story where they once outran a dinosaur, he had a little trouble believing in Kris Kringle. And you thought that story wasn't going to be canon.
536 got to his feet and kept his eyes on Avenger. It seemed that even in a story where they once outran a dinosaur, he had a little trouble believing in Kris Kringle. And you thought that story wasn't going to be canon.
"It is canon!" The Avenger yelled at the narrator, not helping his case. "Everyone just forgot! But I didn't!"
"And now you're talking to nothing again."
Avenger sighed. "Can we just go to the location on there please? Sam is there, I'm telling you."
Avenger sighed. "Can we just go to the location on there please? Sam is there, I'm telling you."
536 scratched his head and looked down at the device, which still flashed red and green at him with the location listed. He decided that whether or not Avenger was crazy could be settled another day. After all, if they found Sam, maybe having one of them hearing narrators that the others couldn't hear was perfectly okay.
"Earth #8? I don't think we've been there before. Alright, let me shower and I'll be good to go. This floor smells like cigarettes and regret."
"Earth #8? I don't think we've been there before. Alright, let me shower and I'll be good to go. This floor smells like cigarettes and regret."
====
The two arrived on Earth #8 with a flash and a crackling sound, standing outside a motel looking almost exactly like the one they left, only it was...different. The motel they left looked run down and likely had some illegal activity going on. Of course if the Avenger knew about it, he would have stopped it, but multiverse travel takes a lot out of a guy.
But this motel?
It had a bouncy castle instead of a drained pool. The drab colors were gone in exchange for what looked like every color of the rainbow, but it looked like the old colors were underneath. There were numerous chalk drawings all over the parking lot.
But this motel?
It had a bouncy castle instead of a drained pool. The drab colors were gone in exchange for what looked like every color of the rainbow, but it looked like the old colors were underneath. There were numerous chalk drawings all over the parking lot.
"Well this universe looks fun," Avenger said, optimistically.
An aggravated sigh escaped 536 as he looked around.
"Just one universe that's normal. That's all I ask."
Avenger clapped his friend on the back, grinning.
"Don't be like that," he said. "Look on the bright side! Santa wouldn't steer us wrong."
"You've gotta stop saying that. Someone is going to hear you."
The two began to walk when suddenly they heard the sounds of children nearby. A lot of children. More children than should probably be in an area of Baltimore this sketchy. Avenger tilts his head in the direction and looks at his compatriot, almost seeking permission to move.
"Shall we?" the hero asked.
"Might as well," 536 sighed as the two pressed on.
The two began to walk when suddenly they heard the sounds of children nearby. A lot of children. More children than should probably be in an area of Baltimore this sketchy. Avenger tilts his head in the direction and looks at his compatriot, almost seeking permission to move.
"Shall we?" the hero asked.
"Might as well," 536 sighed as the two pressed on.
====
The group of kids were all assembled in one area, that at one time may have been the parking lot of a mall. But the mall looked very board up and instead, there was a group of youths that didn't exactly pay much attention to their hygiene. Our hero walked up to a few that were gathered in a group, whispering something as he approached. Before he got there, 536 laid a hand on his shoulder.
"Doesn't this seem a little odd to you?" he asked.
"Well, yeah. Where are their parents?"
"Pa...parents?" the closest child near to them spoke up and looked to only be four or five. The kid sounded like this was the first time he even heard the word.
"Yeah, you know, big people, like me. Only, your moms and dads."
"No parents here, green man." One of the bigger kids chimed in.
"Doesn't this seem a little odd to you?" he asked.
"Well, yeah. Where are their parents?"
"Pa...parents?" the closest child near to them spoke up and looked to only be four or five. The kid sounded like this was the first time he even heard the word.
"Yeah, you know, big people, like me. Only, your moms and dads."
"No parents here, green man." One of the bigger kids chimed in.
Avenger muttered under his breath, "Great. Absentee parents. No wonder these kids stink."
536 winced. "Easy, dude!"
Avenger shrugged. The bigger kid, which seemed to be the leader, was himself only about eleven. He stepped forward.
"Parents left us, green man."
Avenger's shoulders slumped and for a moment, it seemed as though he was going to cry. But suddenly he looked up at the sky and glared at me.
"I was not!"
The kids stare blankly at him and he looks back, realizing they can't hear your narrator either.
Avenger shrugged. The bigger kid, which seemed to be the leader, was himself only about eleven. He stepped forward.
"Parents left us, green man."
Avenger's shoulders slumped and for a moment, it seemed as though he was going to cry. But suddenly he looked up at the sky and glared at me.
"I was not!"
The kids stare blankly at him and he looks back, realizing they can't hear your narrator either.
"Anyway, that's really sad boys and girls. But you'll be happy to know..."
He does a spin in place and a triumphant hero pose, which draws some giggles and smiles from the kids around him. Even kids in some weird apocalyptic hellscape aren't jaded.
"...I am a superhero!"
The biggest kid, the eleven-year-old, scoffs. It seems our hero is only appealing to a certain age bracket or mindset.
He does a spin in place and a triumphant hero pose, which draws some giggles and smiles from the kids around him. Even kids in some weird apocalyptic hellscape aren't jaded.
"...I am a superhero!"
The biggest kid, the eleven-year-old, scoffs. It seems our hero is only appealing to a certain age bracket or mindset.
"Green man, we already have a hero."
The Avenger's eyes lit up and suddenly he felt like it was Christmas all over again. Because there was only one person who could be a hero and be in this universe, and he suddenly realized that Santa had come through. Yes folks, Santa is canon. This is a thing you have to live with.
536 eyed the Avenger, as he still wasn't convinced. Avenger turned to him and pointed at him.
"Well you better GET convinced, buddy! SAM IS HERE!"
The Avenger's eyes lit up and suddenly he felt like it was Christmas all over again. Because there was only one person who could be a hero and be in this universe, and he suddenly realized that Santa had come through. Yes folks, Santa is canon. This is a thing you have to live with.
536 eyed the Avenger, as he still wasn't convinced. Avenger turned to him and pointed at him.
"Well you better GET convinced, buddy! SAM IS HERE!"
536 rolled his eyes at Avenger continuing a conversation he wasn't having. One of the younger kids raised a hand, and Avenger pointed at them.
"How did you know his name?"
"How did you know his name?"
The Avenger jumped up into the air and clicked his heels together, which caused giggles again and surprised his companion.
"I knew it! Sam's here! My best friend in the whole multiverse is here! IN YOUR FACE!"
"I knew it! Sam's here! My best friend in the whole multiverse is here! IN YOUR FACE!"
"Okay, fine." 536 relented. "He's here. But where is he?"
"Sam Man only adult so we make him ruler. He's over in the jungle gym."
Several of the kids pulled down a large tarp that had been hung up between two light poles that had long since been out of use. There was a jungle gym, and sitting at the top, on a makeshift throne, sat Sam Action.
"Sam Man only adult so we make him ruler. He's over in the jungle gym."
Several of the kids pulled down a large tarp that had been hung up between two light poles that had long since been out of use. There was a jungle gym, and sitting at the top, on a makeshift throne, sat Sam Action.
"SAMMY!"
Avenger ran, and I cannot stress this enough to you reader, in his head he was moving in slow motion while Vangelis' "Chariots of Fire" played. But before he got all the way to the jungle gym, without questioning once how children moved it into the middle of a vacated mall parking lot, he was stopped by two bigger kids holding hockey sticks.
"Aw man, hock-blocked."
Sam bellowed out from where he sat, which was only a foot above him. Avenger and everyone else could clearly hear.
"FOOL! HOW DARE YOU COME INTO MY KINGDOM!"
"...Sam? It's me, don't you remember?"
536 walked up and sighed.
"Being in this dimension for so long must have changed him. I think he really things he's some king."
The Avenger, with tears in his eyes, shook his head.
"No! I refuse to believe it! I demand you come with us, Sam! Santa didn't send me here to lose! I don't lose in these stories! These need happy endings!"
Suddenly, the larger Avenger had an idea, and ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you, it was a doozy. He leaned over and whispered something into Avenger's ear.
"What the heck is a trial by combat?" Our hero asked.
"A TRIAL BY COMBAT?" Sam bellowed again. "SO BE IT. BRING FORTH MY MOST POWERFUL WARRIOR!"
536 walked up and sighed.
"Being in this dimension for so long must have changed him. I think he really things he's some king."
The Avenger, with tears in his eyes, shook his head.
"No! I refuse to believe it! I demand you come with us, Sam! Santa didn't send me here to lose! I don't lose in these stories! These need happy endings!"
Suddenly, the larger Avenger had an idea, and ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you, it was a doozy. He leaned over and whispered something into Avenger's ear.
"What the heck is a trial by combat?" Our hero asked.
"A TRIAL BY COMBAT?" Sam bellowed again. "SO BE IT. BRING FORTH MY MOST POWERFUL WARRIOR!"
A group of kids lowered another tarp, which for some reason, had been placed over the head of...a twelve-year-old. Just some normal skinny 12-year-old.
"You...you're joking."
"FIGHT HIM!"
"Yeah, fight me!" The kid ran forward with a fist held up and Avenger easily side-stepped him. He tried it again and again, Avenger moved. This continued for another solid minute or so, with the oldest kid in the pack getting more agitated with each successful dodge. He used punch. It wasn't every effective.
"I'm not gonna fight a kid!"
"Do it! Fight me! Your cape looks stupid! No one wears masks! Swear words are awesome! You'll never get the king to go with you!"
"UGH! That's it!"
"You...you're joking."
"FIGHT HIM!"
"Yeah, fight me!" The kid ran forward with a fist held up and Avenger easily side-stepped him. He tried it again and again, Avenger moved. This continued for another solid minute or so, with the oldest kid in the pack getting more agitated with each successful dodge. He used punch. It wasn't every effective.
"I'm not gonna fight a kid!"
"Do it! Fight me! Your cape looks stupid! No one wears masks! Swear words are awesome! You'll never get the king to go with you!"
"UGH! That's it!"
Suddenly the Avenger got really irritated and then SUPERHERO KICKED A CHILD!? WHAT THE HELL, HERO?"
Even 536 seemed shocked. "Dude."
Even 536 seemed shocked. "Dude."
The poor, innocent child lay on the ground unconscious as everyone stared at the Avenger in disbelief. And they should, the guy just BEAT UP A KID. Who does that?
"Quiet, narrator! He was clearly a villain in the making! Like you wouldn't go back in time and superkick baby Hitler?"
Did you just invoke Godwin's Law to defend yourself?
"Who with the what now? What's a Godwin and what do his laws have to do with anything?"
536 still stood in shock, although now it was half the assault on a 12-year-old and half that Avenger, enemy of the youth, knew even kind of what Godwin's Law could be.
"Quiet, narrator! He was clearly a villain in the making! Like you wouldn't go back in time and superkick baby Hitler?"
Did you just invoke Godwin's Law to defend yourself?
"Who with the what now? What's a Godwin and what do his laws have to do with anything?"
536 still stood in shock, although now it was half the assault on a 12-year-old and half that Avenger, enemy of the youth, knew even kind of what Godwin's Law could be.
"Wow, narrator. I didn't expect you to turn on me so quickly for this."
Sam stared down at Avenger, and then pointed at all the children, who were beginning to line up en masse. They all turned and looked at our heroes, before Sam pointed down and yelled out another two words.
"GET HIM."
You know, I know how I'm seen around here, citizens. There's a lot of you on the roster that think I'm a joke. He's not a superhero. He's craaazy. We're gonna walk all over him like we walk all over everyone else.
You people are too cynical. Yes, I know big words too. Anyway, too that. And I know that I'm just the goof to you, that runs around in a cape and shows up to lose. And normally I might be okay with that. Because at the end of the day, who are you to say I'm not what I say I am?
You don't know me. You only know what you made up your minds about me.
I am just as good, if not better than most of you. I choose to be a superhero. I choose to go on adventures. I choose to have fun. Because life is too short and some of us don't want to spend it being miserable.
The rest of the people on the roster can be downers and make fun of me behind my back or to my face or whatever they wanna do, but I don't let it get me down.
The only reason I get down, good people of Carnage, is that no one believes in heroes anymore.
I'm not some wannabe tough guy. I don't care about your blood and guts belt. I'm just a guy with hope and superpowers who wants to do right by others. So you can make fun of me and I'll take it. If I lose, I lose. I'll come back and have another adventure, maybe fight with my narrator again and I'll have fun. I will bounce back.
So Jackal Kennedy, you got a really messed up view of the world and I think that makes you the worst criminal of them all. And maybe you'll beat me. But that doesn't make you better. Because you've got no heart. And I've been the heart of Carnage for years.
Yeah, me. The guy in the mask and cape who travels the multiverse and met Santa Claus. I'm not violent. I'm not mean. I try to help others. It goes against everything Carnage represents, and I am the heart of this place. Guys like me keep the lights on. Guys like Jackal only care about Jackal.
I'm the heart of this place. I'll be here long after the Jackal Kennedys of the world take their stupid faces somewhere else. Because I am a hero, and I'll be a hero no matter what people say about me or do to me or think about me. I'll keep getting up, I'll keep bouncing back and I'll be here every week no matter what.
And I think that's the most super thing about me.
Sam stared down at Avenger, and then pointed at all the children, who were beginning to line up en masse. They all turned and looked at our heroes, before Sam pointed down and yelled out another two words.
"GET HIM."
====
AND NOW, A SPECIAL EDITION OF 'AVENGER SEZ'!
You people are too cynical. Yes, I know big words too. Anyway, too that. And I know that I'm just the goof to you, that runs around in a cape and shows up to lose. And normally I might be okay with that. Because at the end of the day, who are you to say I'm not what I say I am?
You don't know me. You only know what you made up your minds about me.
I am just as good, if not better than most of you. I choose to be a superhero. I choose to go on adventures. I choose to have fun. Because life is too short and some of us don't want to spend it being miserable.
The rest of the people on the roster can be downers and make fun of me behind my back or to my face or whatever they wanna do, but I don't let it get me down.
The only reason I get down, good people of Carnage, is that no one believes in heroes anymore.
I'm not some wannabe tough guy. I don't care about your blood and guts belt. I'm just a guy with hope and superpowers who wants to do right by others. So you can make fun of me and I'll take it. If I lose, I lose. I'll come back and have another adventure, maybe fight with my narrator again and I'll have fun. I will bounce back.
So Jackal Kennedy, you got a really messed up view of the world and I think that makes you the worst criminal of them all. And maybe you'll beat me. But that doesn't make you better. Because you've got no heart. And I've been the heart of Carnage for years.
Yeah, me. The guy in the mask and cape who travels the multiverse and met Santa Claus. I'm not violent. I'm not mean. I try to help others. It goes against everything Carnage represents, and I am the heart of this place. Guys like me keep the lights on. Guys like Jackal only care about Jackal.
I'm the heart of this place. I'll be here long after the Jackal Kennedys of the world take their stupid faces somewhere else. Because I am a hero, and I'll be a hero no matter what people say about me or do to me or think about me. I'll keep getting up, I'll keep bouncing back and I'll be here every week no matter what.
And I think that's the most super thing about me.