All-New Avenger, Issue #1: Ask Your Parents
LAST TIME IN THE AVENGERVERSE:
No, seriously. Vengy stopped the evil Zealot, saved Sam Action, gained a new skinnier version of himself and lost the ability to travel dimensions. Did you even read the AvengerVerse Finale? Well, why not?
"It was pretty great!" Vengy declared, if he says so himself. "I saved the multiverse with a hug!"
That's true, you did. What are you doing now?
"Oh, you know. Fighting crime, stopping street criminals. I broke up an NFT scam the other day."
What's an NFT?
Vengy had a smile on his face, but behind the eyes there seemed to be a lack of spark. It was almost as if without multiversal travel and facing world-ending evil, The Avenger seemed to have no purpose. His smile hid feelings of despair, longing for the life of action and adventure he'd grown accustomed to. As he held back the tears, he wasn't sure who he was trying to fool: the humble narrator...or himself. In fact, he was...
"Are you trying to give me character development?" Vengy said, looking skyward. "Stop that! Nobody wants depth in a superhero story!"
Sorry, Vengy. What was I thinking?
ALL-NEW AVENGER, ISSUE #1:
ASK YOUR PARENTS
The Avenger sat at the desk in the motel room, his hand resting against his head. He let out a loud sigh.
"Darn it," he grumbled. "I think the narrator was right."
At the moment, all of Vengy's friends were out doing other things. Four people confined to a single hotel room wasn't going to work for anybody, so they all got jobs. Vengy, for once, decided he should probably cash-in the checks he got from promoters, which probably came as a shock to the people running Pro Wrestling Valor and UGWC. The checks from Carnage did not clear, but he guessed there was no one there to clear them.
However, the back pay and the jobs his friends got meant they could each have their own motel room, instead of crowding into one.
For The Avenger, his life was what he wanted it to be. He had Sam back and he saved the multiverse twice-over. But now, things seemed a bit tedious. Dull. Complacent.
"It's boring, too." Avenger agreed.
Suddenly, he heard a scream from outside. Our hero jumped up as he usually does and yanked open his door, bolting out to see what was happening. As it turned out, there was a mugging currently happening in the parking lot. A woman that had the kind of body noir writers would love was attempting to keep her handbag out of grasp of someone that couldn't be more than 20.
Avenger rolled his eyes.
"Again?" he shouted at the two. The young would-be thief looked up and his eyes went wide.
"Hey man," he said, pointing a knife in Vengy's direction. "I don't know you, but mind your own business.
The Avenger shrugged and moved quickly over to the pair. It was actually more of a leisurely stroll than anything, but it seemed our hero still got there with ease. He reached over and snatched the knife out of the man's hand, chucking it behind him.
"What the.."
"SUPERHERO KICK!"
Without even needing to fully extend his leg, our hero unleashed his patented, mighty superhero kick and knocked the robber for a loop. He stumbled in a circle before the lady grabbed her handbag back. She clobbered the robber in the back of the head, knocking him to the ground.
She then turned and threw her arms around The Avenger, kissing him on the neck She even nuzzled his face a little bit, the heroism perhaps overcoming her inhibitions. She seemed prepared to reward him in a very provocative way. One that our young readers will never get the chance to see. Ask your parents, kids. We are not going to teach you about that sort of thing.
"Thank you!" she cried out. "How can I ever..."
The Avenger yawned in her ear. He couldn't exactly help it, but it confused the woman just the same. She pulled her head backward.
"I'm sorry, are you yawning at the end of my rescue?"
Vengy chuckled nervously and dipped his head out of the woman's embrace, quickly moving to the criminal. He pulled out a pair of handcuffs from his utility belt.
"No, no no, I would never!"
The woman put her hands on her hips. "Was my mugging boring you?"
"Of course not!" Vengy said, as he secured the criminal and then pressed a button to signal police. It was a nice little portable device that the #536 was able to assemble. He couldn't assemble a new multiverse travel device but at least he was putting his engineering to good use. It was the most exciting development since the summer.
The woman raised an eyebrow as our hero was wistfully remembering how he broke out into song during his epic fight over Wrestlestock weekend. She began to wave both arms like a maniac to get his attention.
"Hello?" she practically shouted. "Mugging victim over here!"
Avenger shook his head and got up, the criminal now secure and the police notified. "Sheesh lady, I already saved you! Police are on their way! What more do you want from me?"
The woman rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips, nearly spilling the contents of the bag she fought hard to protect.
"Well I was going to reward you back in that room you came out of..."
Vengy shrugged. "All in a day's work, ma'am. No money required."
She tilted her head again. "Mone...No, SEX, you moron."
"YOUNGER AUDIENCES READ THIS COMIC, YOU KNOW!" Avenger cried out, offended that she would even use that word. Again kids, ask your parents.
The rescued woman shook her head. "I can't believe this. Of all the men that could have saved me, I get an idiot."
She stomped off, making sure to kick the crook on her way out of the parking lot. Avenger rubbed his head in confusion, wondering what it was that made her want to engage in such vulgarity after he selflessly saved her from a robber.
He sat down next to the young man, who was starting to wake up after the kick.
"I tell you," he said. " I do not understand people today."
"I think you knocked out a tooth," the criminal groaned. Vengy simply patted him on the top of the head.
"I didn't do it, chum, Justice did. For she is a harsh mistress."
They sat there for a moment, waiting together for police to arrive. Hero and aspiring villain, their respective days sent for a loop after one fateful incident.
"F&*#ing weirdo," the man spat out, ruining the moment.
---(A)---
Sometime later, Vengy and his best friend Sam found themselves inside of a nearby diner. Sam, who hadn't had real food in a long time before the summer, was gorging himself on a greasy cheeseburger. Vengy simply sighed and stirred a glob of ketchup with one of his crinkle-cut fries.
Sam looked up at him.
"Wftswrng," he said, bits of food inadvertently falling onto the table.
"You're doing it again," Vengy said absentmindedly. He pointed at the mouthful of food with the ketchup-soaked fry to prove his point. Sam seemed a little embarrassed at himself and choked down the bite.
"Sorry," Sam said sheepishly. "I can't get over food lately. You know what they made me eat in the negaverse? Unfinished recipe ideas. You can't get nutrition from an idea, man."
Avenger nodded, but not even the hero he idolized could keep his attention for very long. Vengy glanced down and noticed he had been drawing a face. He was appalled to see it was that of Zealot, the entity he had defeated months ago. He quickly smeared it away with more fries and took a bite.
Sam saw the whole thing.
"I'm gonna pretend you didn't just draw the guy who tried to kill me," he muttered. "What's with you, man? You've been in a funk lately."
"The narrator said I was in a rut," Vengy whined. "Can you believe that?"
Sam did not hear a narrator, nor did anyone except a select few. He usually chalked it up to our hero's quirks. He did so this time as well.
"What do you mean a rut?" Sam asked before taking a gulp of a nearby soda.
"I don't know. Stopping crime is good and all but...you ever miss traveling to other universes? Remember the time the Lucysaurus Rex tried to eat us? Or how about that Jenova Robot that shot at us with lasers? Or the Hollywood universe where that universe's Lucy tried to murder us! I mean, it was all terrifying but it was exciting!"
Sam nodded along, solving problems that not even our hero was quite aware he was communicating. Our hero glanced upward and made a mental note to ask what the heck that means later.
"I hear you," Sam said. "But you're still doing good. You saved somebody today."
The thief that Avenger stopped was indeed arrested, as the woman had already reported him. All in a day's work, but our hero still felt unfulfilled.
"I swear sometimes I think the narrator makes problems up just to push my personal story along or something. I'M ONTO YOU, SKY MAN! I WILL NOT HAVE YOU DEVELOPING MY CHARACTER WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!"
He pointed an accusing fry at the ceiling, concerning his best friend and alarming several of the patrons in the diner. A waitress that had been coming to refill their drinks did a 180. Sam shushed our hero.
"What did I tell you about shouting in public?"
"Only do it when stopping crime."
"Right..."
Sam then reached in his pocket and pulled out his phone, before hitting some swipes to get to whatever he was looking for.
"So you're tired of the same old thing, right?"
Vengy nodded, but felt bad for doing so. "Is that wrong? Shouldn't I be excited to save people?"
"I think as long as you save them, that's all that matters. But I don't think you're bored of being a hero. I think you're bored because that's all you're doing. You stop crime and sleep in that hotel room. It's not healthy."
He found what he was looking for and showed it to our hero.
"I didn't want to say anything until we got back but...I got you booked in UGWC. A title match, too. I figured they owed you one after you saved two different Wrestlestocks."
Sam neglected to mention that Avenger was likely banned from the festival for life at this point, but our hero didn't bother to correct him.
"A title match? Me? How?"
"I guess they like you." Sam shrugged. "Anyway, you're fighting Ezra Wolf."
"WOLF?"
"Um yeah, that's his name. Or Wade. Nobody seems to be able to make up their minds."
"A WEREWOLF?"
"That's not what I..."
The Avenger didn't let his friend finish his thought. He slammed $100 dollars on the table, far more money than they owed the diner, and then shoved a fistful of fries in his mouth. He chewed as fast as he could.
"CmnSam!" he said, before shoving more food inside. "Wefgawtadoaprmo!"
Our hero then ran out of the diner. Sam looked down at the money and attempted to make appropriate change, but Vengy peeked his head back inside.
"You coming?" he asked.
Sam sighed, then left the $100 where it was. He guessed the waitress deserved it anyway after dealing with more shenanigans than she deserved. He grabbed his burger and followed Vengy out of the diner.
---(A)---
The setting was now on a rooftop. Our hero stood on the edge, his cape flowing in the wind. He was lucky that the wind was actually blowing, as he didn't need to bring out the fan he usually used. Sam Action was savoring the rest of his cheeseburger but made sure that the digital camera was on. He pointed at The Avenger, signaling him to go.
"Greetings, UGWC Universe! It's your pal Vengy here, returning to the Coalition after a long absence! A hero's work is never done and I've learned that you are in desperate need of my services! You've got tag partners turning on each other, a clown, a magician, grumpy Konrad Raab...and apparently a WEREWOLF!"
Sam rolled his eyes from behind the camera. He had attempted to talk Vengy down from this, letting him know that the name 'Wolf' was actually quite common, but our hero wouldn't hear of it. Sam decided that since Vengy wasn't exactly going to use a silver bullet, it was safe to let him be excited.
"That's right, I know all about the werewolf within your company! But he's not a teen wolf, he's not a werewolf of London. He's the UGWC Conquest Champion, and your hero is here to stop him from getting to five defenses! I can see why you called me, Coalition. I wouldn't want him mauling the world champion either! I mean Sebastian is very handsome, and I don't think having his face eaten would suit him!"
The Avenger nodded, as if he had delivered sage advice.
"So this dog soldier wants to howl his way to a new moon here in UGWC, one where he throws a mad monster party as the world champion! But I'll tell you something, you American Werewolf, I'm not like your other challengers. I don't scare easily! I've had my rabies shots! I've even been checked for fleas! You want to be top dog around here? You're going to have to survive a silver bullet named JUSTICE!"
Our hero seemed very proud of himself for that one. He nodded his head enthusiastically.
"I'll let you know something right now. You may think you're going to ginger snap me in two with those sharp teeth of yours, but I don't roll over for anyone, Fido. In fact, here's a secret: I am a former Conquest champion myself! You know who I beat? Eden Morgan! She was one of the most evil champions too, and I ended her reign of terror!"
The Avenger moved closer, ready to deliver his final words.
"Don't you think about underestimating me. I didn't get to the Wrestlestock finals this year by luck! I didn't win a title here by chance! I am a true blue superhero, and I am here to make evil roll over so I can rub its belly into submission! But don't worry, Ezra! By the time we're done, you can go grab yourself a Chinese menu and head to SoHo for some chow mein!"
He glanced over at Sam.
"That one was from a song I heard."
Sam simply chuckled as he recorded and and quickly hit send on a tweet, in which he challenged UGWC Chaos champion Lucy Wylde on The Avenger's behalf.
Avenger quickly turned around, no longer concerned with werewolves at the moment.
"HE DID WHAT?"